Where Does the Time Go?

The older I get, the faster it seems that our days go by. We are accustomed to getting out of bed at 6 am each morning to go about our daily routines. Such routines consist of making the bed, stretching, preparing breakfast, cleaning up the kitchen and then making a list of what we hope to accomplish before day’s end. In many instances, I get at least 50 percent of them if not more completed. But then there are days, that I only check off three or four items by day’s end.

Part of the reason for this is that I tend to allow my mind to wander towards other things – things like creating a post for this blog site, researching material for either a future post or the possibility of yet another book. I now have three eBooks to my credit – and lately I have been thinking about a fourth. Whether or not I will write it has yet to be determined.

Where does my mind go when it strays away from the tasks at hand? Well, I am constantly thinking of wild and crazy things to post on Lakeland Musings by Irwin. Seeing that I post weekly, and my posting date is usually Sundays, I should devote a specific amount of time each day from Monday through Friday, allowing Saturday as the day to correlate/edit the material so that I can post the final edited version first thing on Sunday morning. But alas, even though we are retired, our days tend to be filled with many odds and end type jobs and before we know it, we are staring at each other saying: “Where did the time go? Is it really time for dinner or is it really time to go to bed?” Who said retirees lead boring lives!

Yesterday a few things popped into my head that has me puzzled and knowing me, that puzzlement led me to think that – “Hey, this would be good stuff for my blog site”. So, allow me to share some of my wild and crazy thoughts that will make up the majority of this week’s blog posting.

At times I let my mind wander off and it takes me to strange places. For instance, just sitting and staring at the lake yesterday, I got to thinking – “if you absent-mindedly swallowed some food coloring, do you feel like you dyed a little inside?”  Or, thinking about names of individuals and what funny things I could write about them, I got to thinking – If David would lose his ID, would he just be Dav?   

And then my mind wandered to the subject of a chapter in my recent book which was a pencil. By now you are thinking what wild and crazy thing one could possibly write about a pencil – well, here’s the thing – “writing with a dull pencil is pointless.” I know, I need to get better material.

Another of my tasks around the house is to see that when one can of soda or protein shake is removed from the refrigerator, a warm one takes it place so that we always have cold soda and/or protein shake available to us. Well, to show that there is always something around the house that could prove to be fodder for my posts, as I was making the switch between warm and cold sodas yesterday, the following thought rushed through my head. The drink I was switching out was A&W Root Beer. As I was placing a warm can of A&W Root Beer into the spot that held the ice cold can I was having with my lunch, I got to thinking – “If you put root beer in a square glass – is it just beer then?” See what I mean, I cannot help myself and it seems to happen just before it is time to post.

Oh, let me back up here a minute. How far you ask? Well, all the way to when I stepped out of the shower and started to towel off. As I stepped out of the shower, yet another wild and crazy thought crossed my mind. It dawned on me that I had just discovered what the leading cause of dry skin was.  Towels!

Seeing that today is Sunday, here is yet another wild and crazy thought: “The goal of Sunday is to leave my home as little as possible.” While I could probably come up with a few more wild and crazy words of wisdom, I must leave some things for next week’s blog otherwise I won’t have anything to write about.

Having said that, I have but one more wild and crazy thought and that is:

To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing.

Stay safe, stay well, and most of all – stay happy!

Until next time! 

They Are Coming to Take Me Away, Away, Away!

Ever just sit and allow your mind to wander and come up with stupid thoughts. Welcome to my world. Here is something I thought about recently – What would I do if I were wrongfully put into an insane asylum to convince them that I was sane and not just pretending to be sane?  Hmmm, must think about that one for a minute. Okay, thought about it – now where is my coffee. I cannot function with my coffee – oh, look at that, I’m sitting in my cup, no wonder I cannot find my coffee!

Let’s see, what useless information can I share with everyone this week. Oh, I know. Have you ever wondered how dollar-bill changers know if your dollar is authentic? What do I mean? Just this, you are at a vending machine, and it tells you that the machine will accept coins, and dollar bills and by that, I mean in various denominations (usually they say on the front of the machine that it will take singles, fives, tens, or even twenties). You think to yourself – now how in the world is this machine going to tell the difference between George Washington on the $1 bill; Abraham Lincoln on the $5 bill; Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill; and Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill?

Well, truth-be-told, and I read this somewhere – these bill changers have several authenticity tests. Ever wonder why you couldn’t just cut out a piece of paper the size of a bill and insert it into the machine and get yourself a free bag of Fritos? Here’s why – the first test is a light that measures the bill’s thickness as it is entering the machine. Having gotten past the first authenticity test, next comes the test to determine what denomination you have inserted. There is a reason why our currency has the words “one dollar,” “five dollars,” or whatever on them. There is another light source within the machine that checks for these very fine lines that make up the words – “one dollar,” “five dollars,” and so forth.

Yet another test that must be done is to make sure that the magnetic characteristics in the ink with which the U.S. mint prints is on the up and up. Three down – two more to go.

Where would we be without tests that confirm the tests done before the one being performed. Yup, test number four is a test to double-check the correctness of the first three tests.

Finally, and I am surprised you didn’t think of this one based on what I said earlier and that is – the fifth test is to measure the bill for the correct length.

See, now that you have all this knowledge, go insert your bill into your favorite vending machine and upon receiving your little bag of Doritos, sit back, relax, and enjoy, knowing that you now know how that vending machine works and provided you with the appropriate change.

Let’s see, what else can I dream up to write about that will cause us all to smile, laugh, and well, get in a good mood. What I came up with was something I want to share with you. But I must be truthful about it – I cannot take credit for what you are about to read, and I do not know who authored it. Hopefully though it will do what it is intended to do – make you smile or even quite possibly laugh.  As you read the list, think about what you are reading as it probably does resemble your daily activities: 

I call it: “If you can”

If you can start the day without caffeine.

If you can get going without pep pills.

If you can always be cheerful ignoring aches and pains.

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when through no fault of yours something goes wrong.

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment.

If you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him.

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend.

If you can face the world without lies and deceit.

If you can conquer tension without medical help.

If you can relax without liquor.

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

……Then you are probably the family dog!

Let’s leave the world of the vending machines and dogs and go to some ridiculous Media Mentions.  By the way, most of these are very, very, old so do not ask where I got them – I probably read them a long time ago and came across an article or two lately that referred to them.

Here is one from a Dublin radio reporter (I told you they were old):

“Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you’d better set off a few minutes earlier.”

This one was apparently seen in the Miami Herald some time back – way back – probably at least 20 years ago.

“Man shoots neighbor with machete.”

Here’s a good one from the Detroit Daily News:

“Weather forecast: Precipitation in the morning, rain in the afternoon.”

And finally, one from our own IRS – U.S. Internal Revenue Service form:

“Passive activity income does not include the following income for an activity that is not a passive activity.”

As I like to say when I read such dribble – “And they walk among us!”

Okay, how many of you remember the question I asked at the beginning of this week’s post? Well, I have thought about the answer. Here, let me refresh your memories: “What would I do if I were wrongfully put into an insane asylum to convince them that I was sane and not just pretending to be sane? “Well, I would probably say something like the following: “You know, I have a lot of people who believe in me – which sort of scares me. Why? Because I always knew I was real.

Until next time!

It’s a Blonde Thing!

Hello there, all my fellow bloggers. I cannot believe that it is Sunday already and apparently my week has been fuller than I thought it would be. Why do I say that “because as I sit here contemplating what to share with you, nothing comes to mind – nada, zilch, zero.”  

Seeing that my goal is to make you smile or hopefully laugh, I cannot let the week go by without writing something.  Allow me to share a joke I recently came across. But before I go any further, let me apologize to the blondes that may read this. My wife knows I love blondes (which she is not but seeing that we are heading into our 59^th year of wedded bliss, I am sure she has nothing to worry about). So, please do not shoot the messenger – merely have as good a laugh as I did:

Three women who went to Mexico

Three women went to Mexico to celebrate their college graduation. They got drunk and woke up in jail to find that they’re being executed in the morning, though none of them could remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”

The executioner turns on the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words: “I just graduated from Indiana University School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”

Again, the switch is flicked, and, again, nothing happens. Immediately they fall to their knees and beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one, a blonde is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of West Virginia and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug that thing in.”

Ya’ll have a good day now you hear and stay safe.

Until next time!

Time to Start Dancing Again

Yee Haw

What is it about dancing and listening to music that makes one forget all the nonsense that seems to bother us in our everyday lives? We went to a “Sock Hop” the other evening and while the music being played was music from the 50s & 60s, we got up and did a few of our line dance routines to the music being played. One of the things we do with regards our dancing is to let others know that one does not have to wait for a certain “line dance song” to be played to get up and line dance.

For instance, one of our favorites is to dance to an oldie (I mean real oldie) entitled “In the Mood”, a favorite Glenn Miller piece but the line dance we do to this music is entitled “Come Dance With Me”. We didn’t line dance to this song because (1) the DJ didn’t play it but more importantly, (2) because not having danced since March of 2020, I doubt seriously we could have made it through the entire dance. It starts out slow but for those of you that remember the song, know it picks up the beat and goes on and on and on. Baby steps, baby steps.

And away we go

However, we were able to get up and line dance to “Neon Moon” and another oldie entitled “Slappin’ Leather”. Bottom line is that we were able to remember the dance steps to a few of our old favorites. We also were able to slow dance to a couple of songs we consider our favorites (Back to the Fifties and In the Still of the Night). Age reared its head though when the Beer Barrel Polka came on. We did get to Polka but by the time the song was over, this old man needed to sit down and sit out the next two songs.

It was our first time truly socializing since we moved to our new community, and it was rather enjoyable. Both of us enjoy line dancing and it is a great way to get our daily exercise especially since it is so hot outside right now.  So, I guess we will have to practice our line dances which will be a good thing as we were finding it a bit hard to reach our daily step count each day. We can reach it when I take the time to chase Dolly around the house but being the age I am, once I catch her, I must stop and ask, “Now what was I chasing you for”?

Well, that’s about it for this week. Didn’t have any fabulous funnies to share with you although the above paragraph quite possibly brought a smile to your face. Stay safe and stay well.

Until next time!