We Grow Too Soon Oldt und Too Late Schmart!

Aging Man

Where has July gone – hard to believe we have only one week left in July.

Let us start out this post by reading Ten Fun Facts

  1. You can’t see your ears without a mirror
  2. You can’t count your hair
  3. You can’t breathe through your nose with your tongue out
  4. Bet you tried number 3
  5. When you did try number 3 you realized that it is possible, but you swear you won’t do it again because you looked like a dog
  6. You are smiling right now because you were fooled
  7. You skipped number 9
  8. You just realized that you haven’t got to number 9

Gee, those caused me to think too much – must take a break for a Zen moment or perhaps I should say Zen Thought or two:

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

As a matter of fact, I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

What is that you say you think I am confused and bewildered – not so – I have all my faculties. For instance,

I took my car to the garage the other day to repair my brakes, but the mechanic told me he could not repair them. Apparently, my face looked so bewildered and down-trodden after receiving that news, he grabbed me by the shoulders and said: “Hey, not to worry – I made your horn louder.

Am I lucky or what?

The following rants and raves are being directed to all my fellow retirees – you know those of us that have quite a bit of spare time on our hands and need something to do.

The name of this little test is just this:

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

You must try this – it will only take you a few seconds – or minutes at most.

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. You’ll want to keep trying to see if you can outsmart your feet, but you can’t.

  1. While sitting, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
  2. Now, while doing this, draw the number “6” in the air with your right hand.

You’ll see that your foot will involuntarily change directions.

Now try it …

Okay now that I have you in a completely confused state as to what this blog will be about today, I thought of a couple of questions that have been bugging me:

For instance:

If you speak only one language, are you lingual?

Can you plan a surprise birthday party for a psychic?

Why does Jell-O have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it “gels” the smell is gone?

Why are dogs’ noses always wet?

If one man says, “it was an uphill battle,” and another says, “It went downhill from there,” how could they both be having troubles?

If there is a speed of sound and a speed of light, is there a speed of smell?

On Gilligan’s Island, how did Ginger have so many different outfits when they were only going on a 3-hour tour?

Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?

And finally – If there were a thousand seagulls in an airplane while it is flying, each weighing two pounds apiece, but they were all flying in the airplane, would the airplane weigh 2000 pounds more?

I was going to stop here and say that is it for this week’s blog post but hey I feel like I am on a roll so let’s go a bit further. As you know, last post I talked about grandparents and so I thought of another story to tell you all about us old folks, although seeing that my wife and I are not only grandparents but great-grandparents, does that make us old old folks?

The story is about a young boy that has a conversation with his grandmother. This young boy asks his grandmother how old she is, to which she replies, “that is none of your business.”

So, being the inquisitive lad that he is, he continues by asking her how much she weighs and again she replies, “that’s none of your business” and so again, not being daunted by her refusal to divulge such information, continues asking her questions this time asking, “why do you and Grandpa sleep in separate bedrooms?”  Well, this last question infuriates Grandma and so she gets very angry and at this point sends him off to play – anything to get him out of her sight.

What does the young lad do, well, if Grandma doesn’t want to answer him, perhaps Grandpa will be more accommodating. The lad goes to his grandpa and explains what happened and his grandpa tells him, “Grandmothers are like that, but if he really wants to know, he tells the boy to sneak a peak at her drivers license in her purse. 

Shame on you Grandpa – that’s my own edification here. But back to the story.

Later the boy approaches Grandma and says, “I know that you are 66 years old, weigh 152 pounds, and the reason that you don’t sleep with grandpa anymore is because you got an “F” in Sex”.

Out of the mouths of babes!

I could go on and on, but then what would I talk about next week.  I hope you enjoyed my rants and raves and I have but one more thing to share with you before I go. Seeing that I am supposed to exercise daily and the sun is shining brightly, I think I will go for a ride. Wish me luck as I do not see any seatbelts!

As I said last week, what can I say, the devil made me do it!   Have a great week.

Until next time!

Country or Southerner?

Welcome All

It is that time again. What shall I write about this week that is wild and wacky? While trying to come up with a comical post, I got to pondering over the difference between country and southern – you know when – discussing individuals.

Not wanting to just reach into the far abscess of my mind (a dangerous place for me to go) regarding the difference between these two terms, got me scrambling to the Internet and one paragraph stood out that read something like this:

“If your daddy did not work using his hands, or think it was important for you to know how to shoot a shotgun and drive a stick shift, then you likely lean more toward Southern than you do country. Just like if you have never taken a warm egg from a nest or bottle-fed an orphaned calf, then you probably aren’t too country.” There is a difference between being Southern and being country – al.com

With that thought in mind, I thought I would make jest of and for the record – this post is merely being written with but one thought in mind and that is to hopefully bring a smile and a chuckle to the faces of those reading it. Why? Because we all need a good smile and a chuckle every now and then and this post is created to do just that. So, that being said: Here are a few things a True Southerner knows:

  • Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption.
  • Nobody but a true Southerner knows how many fish make up a ‘mess’.
  • A true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of cattywumpus.
  • A true Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is – as in “Going in town, be back directly.”
  • Even true Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
  • All true Southerners know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold tater salad (If the trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add some hot biscuits and nanner puddin.’)
  • True Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “pert’ near” and “a right far piece.”
  • True Southerners both know and understand the differences between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.
  • No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
  • True Southerners know that “fixin” can be used as a noun, verb and adverb.

And therein lies your lesson about true Southerners today and seein’ that I just told y’all ‘bout it, I hope you larned something today.

Now, having educated y’all about the differences between country and southern individuals – where do ‘Rednecks’ fit in? If you were paying attention, you know that true southerners know the difference between rednecks, a good ol; boy, and po’ white trash. Oh, well, truth be told – I am not a true Southerner – nope, as a matter-of-fact, I am known as a “Damn Yankee”! What’s that, you say? Well, I learned this when we first came to Florida in 1969. It was told to me at that time that a northerner that comes to Florida, spends their money and goes back home is a “Yankee!” But a northerner that packs up ‘lock, stock, and barrel’ and comes to Florida to stay and never leave, well, that’s a “Damn Yankee!” But that will be a post for another time besides it is time for me to head to my good ole redneck home.

“Y’all take care now, Ya hear!” Until next time!

Are You Ready For This!

Here I am again – that was a fast week – and to top it all off, we are heading into the last week of June. Where did the last six months go?

Do I have a particular post in mind? Nooooo, just some more humor with the hopes it will bring a smile to everyone’s face and bring your spirits up if they are down.

Did you ever think about what a kid’s instructions on life might be ….

For instance, they might just tell you to “wear a hat when feeding seagulls.”

Don’t flush the toilet when your dads in the shower.

Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes.

When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” Don’t answer him.

Never spit when on a roller coaster.

Never try to baptize a cat.

And before I move on to something else to get a smile out of you:

Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.

Okay, so I know I have a weird sense of humor but hey I’d rather be smiling and laughing than frowning and crying so I apologize ahead of time for this next joke. Perhaps it is because it is places like this that I keep worrying about – they want me, and I do my best to stay away from them. But that does not mean I do not write about them. Here goes:

The Mental Hospital

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary’s heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, “Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are being discharged. Since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you have regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.” Mary replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.”

“And I Walk Among You!”

I don’t know if there are any rednecks out there reading my dribble but if you are, here are a few tips for y’all!

If you are planning on entertaining in your house, a centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

If by chance you decide to take in a movie at your local movie theater – refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven THEY CAN’T HEAR YOU!

One more about rednecks and that is if you are driving and your car runs out of gas, when sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Okay, new subject – Product Packaging.

What is it with some of the instructions we find on various products? For instance, why would the following instructions be on a string of Chinese Made Christmas Lights:

For indoor or outdoor use only.

Here’s one for you found on tiramisu dessert:

Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

Okay, I guess it is time to bring this to a close but before I do, you guessed it – One more for the road – and I just learned this since I turned eighty –

“I don’t do drugs anymore ‘cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast!”

Enjoy your upcoming week and stay safe. Be back next week, same bat time, same bat channel!

Now where did I leave my wheels, it’s getting dark outside, and I am supposed to be home before dark.  Y’all take care now, ya hear!

Oxymorons!

What is it with oxymorons? Why do people even use them in a sentence? At times I think of some of them when I am pondering what nonsense to post here.

For instance, what is a “silent scream?” If it is silent, how does one know you are screaming? You could just be making weird faces with your mouth.

What is meant by a lead balloon? Is it a balloon filled with lead? If a balloon filled with lead how can it even be called a balloon?

What about “going nowhere”? Isn’t it a fact that if you are going… there must be someplace you are going to? Where is nowhere?

What about the oxymoron “pretty ugly”? Isn’t it true that one can be pretty, or they can be ugly but what is ‘pretty ugly?”  Just so-so ugly!

And then there is “growing smaller”? What are they doing – shrinking?

Here is one – “only choice”. If ‘only’ there is no choice to be had.

And what is it with people taking a “working vacation?” Either you are working, or you are on vacation.

When I think of my finances, I think that either I am earning money, or I am not earning money. What is with “negative income”?  Either you have money coming in or you do not.

By now you have probably figured out that Irwin has too much time on his hands whereas I see it that I am wondering/pondering about the English language and the meanings associated with certain words and/or phrases. After all, we must spend our time doing something.

For those of you that know your English language, you know that an oxymoron is a figure of speech, usually one or two words, which seemingly cancels each other out. One could also call this contradiction a paradox (logical puzzle that seems to contradict itself).

For some writers, use of an oxymoron is merely a literary device used to describe life’s inherent struggles.  As shown above, oxymorons can also lend a sense of humor to a story or they can also be ironic and/or sarcastic in nature. But enough about oxymorons.

Seeing that it is Father’s Day, I promised myself I would do two things today – One, write a post for this blog site and two, work on my book, I had best end this and move on to the book.

But before I go – I am not done with my silliness – believe it or not I have come up with some words that don’t exist, but really should and so I thought I would share a few with you.

PEPPIER – The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be waiting around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

CARPERPETUATION – The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, bending over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

PUPKUS – The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Okay, okay, so I am not done yet! I just thought of a few

ZEN THOUGHTS:

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

And finally the one I enjoy the most:

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Hope all you fathers out there had a great Father’s Day.

Finally, for those of you out there in Never Never Land – one more ZEN Thought and this one is directed to those of you that believe in telekinesis –

Raise my Hand…

Until next time!

Wild and Crazy Guy – That’s Me!

Ah! Home!

Hi all you Word Press Bloggers out there. Hope you are enjoying this Memorial Day Weekend.

Being the wild and crazy guy I am, (just look at my house shown at the beginning of this post) I decided to look through some of my old paperwork to share some wit and witticisms with you so as to do what I enjoy doing – making you smile. What did I come up with?

Zen Thoughts:

Wild and Krazy signs we see on occasion;

Words that don’t exist but probably should;

Daily humor; and

A few of Life’s unanswered questions.  

So, sit back and I hope you enjoy what follows:

Zen thoughts

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Okay, that’s enough of Zen thinking.

Wild and Krazy signs we see on occasion. For instance:

Pizza Shop slogan: “Buy our pizza. We knead the dough.”

In the front door of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

Now what about: words that don’t exist, but really should

Words like:

Elbonics – (el bon’ iks) – The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane.

Phonesia (fu nee’zhuh) The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Frust – (frust) The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dustpan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Okay, here is some more daily humor:

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Call the psychic hotline and don’t say anything.

Specify that your drive-thru order is “to go.”

Okay I see by the clock on the wall, time is passing faster than I expected and I need to get back to the book I am trying to write. So, let me end this week’s post by posting

A few of life’s unanswered questions:

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?

That’s all I got this week folks, see you next week – same bat time, same bat channel!

Stay well, stay safe, and enjoy the balance of your weekend.