We Grow Too Soon Oldt und Too Late Schmart!

Aging Man

Where has July gone – hard to believe we have only one week left in July.

Let us start out this post by reading Ten Fun Facts

  1. You can’t see your ears without a mirror
  2. You can’t count your hair
  3. You can’t breathe through your nose with your tongue out
  4. Bet you tried number 3
  5. When you did try number 3 you realized that it is possible, but you swear you won’t do it again because you looked like a dog
  6. You are smiling right now because you were fooled
  7. You skipped number 9
  8. You just realized that you haven’t got to number 9

Gee, those caused me to think too much – must take a break for a Zen moment or perhaps I should say Zen Thought or two:

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

As a matter of fact, I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

What is that you say you think I am confused and bewildered – not so – I have all my faculties. For instance,

I took my car to the garage the other day to repair my brakes, but the mechanic told me he could not repair them. Apparently, my face looked so bewildered and down-trodden after receiving that news, he grabbed me by the shoulders and said: “Hey, not to worry – I made your horn louder.

Am I lucky or what?

The following rants and raves are being directed to all my fellow retirees – you know those of us that have quite a bit of spare time on our hands and need something to do.

The name of this little test is just this:

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

You must try this – it will only take you a few seconds – or minutes at most.

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. You’ll want to keep trying to see if you can outsmart your feet, but you can’t.

  1. While sitting, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
  2. Now, while doing this, draw the number “6” in the air with your right hand.

You’ll see that your foot will involuntarily change directions.

Now try it …

Okay now that I have you in a completely confused state as to what this blog will be about today, I thought of a couple of questions that have been bugging me:

For instance:

If you speak only one language, are you lingual?

Can you plan a surprise birthday party for a psychic?

Why does Jell-O have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it “gels” the smell is gone?

Why are dogs’ noses always wet?

If one man says, “it was an uphill battle,” and another says, “It went downhill from there,” how could they both be having troubles?

If there is a speed of sound and a speed of light, is there a speed of smell?

On Gilligan’s Island, how did Ginger have so many different outfits when they were only going on a 3-hour tour?

Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?

And finally – If there were a thousand seagulls in an airplane while it is flying, each weighing two pounds apiece, but they were all flying in the airplane, would the airplane weigh 2000 pounds more?

I was going to stop here and say that is it for this week’s blog post but hey I feel like I am on a roll so let’s go a bit further. As you know, last post I talked about grandparents and so I thought of another story to tell you all about us old folks, although seeing that my wife and I are not only grandparents but great-grandparents, does that make us old old folks?

The story is about a young boy that has a conversation with his grandmother. This young boy asks his grandmother how old she is, to which she replies, “that is none of your business.”

So, being the inquisitive lad that he is, he continues by asking her how much she weighs and again she replies, “that’s none of your business” and so again, not being daunted by her refusal to divulge such information, continues asking her questions this time asking, “why do you and Grandpa sleep in separate bedrooms?”  Well, this last question infuriates Grandma and so she gets very angry and at this point sends him off to play – anything to get him out of her sight.

What does the young lad do, well, if Grandma doesn’t want to answer him, perhaps Grandpa will be more accommodating. The lad goes to his grandpa and explains what happened and his grandpa tells him, “Grandmothers are like that, but if he really wants to know, he tells the boy to sneak a peak at her drivers license in her purse. 

Shame on you Grandpa – that’s my own edification here. But back to the story.

Later the boy approaches Grandma and says, “I know that you are 66 years old, weigh 152 pounds, and the reason that you don’t sleep with grandpa anymore is because you got an “F” in Sex”.

Out of the mouths of babes!

I could go on and on, but then what would I talk about next week.  I hope you enjoyed my rants and raves and I have but one more thing to share with you before I go. Seeing that I am supposed to exercise daily and the sun is shining brightly, I think I will go for a ride. Wish me luck as I do not see any seatbelts!

As I said last week, what can I say, the devil made me do it!   Have a great week.

Until next time!

Left Brain – Right Brain

As I sit here looking out over the lake watching a young grey heron search for food in the marshy area that separates our home from the lake (there is a grass lawn, then the marshy area, then the lake), my mind wanders, or should I say ponders over what nonsense I would like to share with you all on this bright and sunny day.

As evidenced by some of my previous posts, I am sure many of you may wonder about my current mental status/condition. Have no fear, allow me to put your minds at ease by responding with this little tidbit of information:

“I’m not crazy, my reality is just different from yours.”

 Before I get on with this week’s post, let me just say this about my brain:

“A brain has two parts: the left part and the right part. My left brain has nothing right, while my right brain has nothing left!”

Enough about me. Allow me to share with you this week’s post on Lakeland Musings by Irwin:

A Grandfather’s Patience

As I was shopping in the grocery store recently (I was in the cookie aisle), I observed an elderly gentleman with a young boy of approximately four years of age sitting in the shopping cart. My guess was that he was going to purchase some cookies for the youngster. As they were moving down the aisle though, I overheard the child ask for cookies and the elderly gentleman told him “No.” Well, this didn’t sit too well with the little boy and he immediately began to whine and fuss, and the elderly gentleman said quietly, “Now Billy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through, don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”

A few minutes later I passed this same gentleman in the candy aisle. Once again, the little boy began to shout but this time it was for candy instead of cookies. When he was told he couldn’t have any, he began to cry. The elderly gentleman said, “There, there, Billy, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.”

As luck would have it, I happened to be behind the pair at the checkout counter, where the little boy immediately began to ask for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The elderly gentleman patiently said, “Billy. We’ll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

Well, this situation sort of bothered me and so upon following them out to the parking lot, I caught up to them and stopped the man to compliment him. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Billy…” But before I could say anything further, the elderly gentleman broke in, “My grandson’s name is Johnny…. I’m Billy.”

What can I say folks, the devil made me do it! I needed something to get you to laugh today. And by the way, this little story is pure fiction.

Okay, one more little story and again it is about young children.  As they say when one is about to say a bad word or two, ‘Pardon the French’ but the story I am about to tell you wouldn’t be as funny were I to try and delete or replace two words with something else.  Here goes:

A 7-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

“You know what?” says the 7-year-old, “I think it’s about time we start swearing.”

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say hell, and you say ass, okay?”

“Okay,” the 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7-year-old what he wants for breakfast.

“Aw, hell mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”

WHACK!!  He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4-year-old and asked with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?”

“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your ass it won’t be CHEERIOS.”

Like I said, I bad, but hopefully, I have caused you all to chuckle, enabling you to face the balance of your day not only with a cheerful disposition but with a smile on your face.

Until next time!

Country or Southerner?

Welcome All

It is that time again. What shall I write about this week that is wild and wacky? While trying to come up with a comical post, I got to pondering over the difference between country and southern – you know when – discussing individuals.

Not wanting to just reach into the far abscess of my mind (a dangerous place for me to go) regarding the difference between these two terms, got me scrambling to the Internet and one paragraph stood out that read something like this:

“If your daddy did not work using his hands, or think it was important for you to know how to shoot a shotgun and drive a stick shift, then you likely lean more toward Southern than you do country. Just like if you have never taken a warm egg from a nest or bottle-fed an orphaned calf, then you probably aren’t too country.” There is a difference between being Southern and being country – al.com

With that thought in mind, I thought I would make jest of and for the record – this post is merely being written with but one thought in mind and that is to hopefully bring a smile and a chuckle to the faces of those reading it. Why? Because we all need a good smile and a chuckle every now and then and this post is created to do just that. So, that being said: Here are a few things a True Southerner knows:

  • Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption.
  • Nobody but a true Southerner knows how many fish make up a ‘mess’.
  • A true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of cattywumpus.
  • A true Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is – as in “Going in town, be back directly.”
  • Even true Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
  • All true Southerners know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold tater salad (If the trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add some hot biscuits and nanner puddin.’)
  • True Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “pert’ near” and “a right far piece.”
  • True Southerners both know and understand the differences between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.
  • No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
  • True Southerners know that “fixin” can be used as a noun, verb and adverb.

And therein lies your lesson about true Southerners today and seein’ that I just told y’all ‘bout it, I hope you larned something today.

Now, having educated y’all about the differences between country and southern individuals – where do ‘Rednecks’ fit in? If you were paying attention, you know that true southerners know the difference between rednecks, a good ol; boy, and po’ white trash. Oh, well, truth be told – I am not a true Southerner – nope, as a matter-of-fact, I am known as a “Damn Yankee”! What’s that, you say? Well, I learned this when we first came to Florida in 1969. It was told to me at that time that a northerner that comes to Florida, spends their money and goes back home is a “Yankee!” But a northerner that packs up ‘lock, stock, and barrel’ and comes to Florida to stay and never leave, well, that’s a “Damn Yankee!” But that will be a post for another time besides it is time for me to head to my good ole redneck home.

“Y’all take care now, Ya hear!” Until next time!

Something Different!

Hello all:

Here we are again, time for my weekly witticism, and as usual, I got to thinking about something wild and wacky to write. The material that popped into my head were famous sayings that made certain TV shows popular back in the day. I decided to insert them into this week’s post to make it more comical without just reciting the saying. By the way, all of this that you are reading is right off the top of my head and completely made up. My honey had nothing whatsoever to do with it other than to chuckle when I asked her to read it before I posted it. Here goes:

A few minutes ago, my honey asked if I wrote anything yet for my blog (you know – (Lakeland Musings by Irwin) and when I said no, she replied like Ricky Ricardo used to say on ‘I Love Lucy’.

“Irwin, you’ve got a lot of ‘splainin’ to do!”

And me, trying to sweet talk myself out of the problem my laziness got me into, thought of the show Kojak, replied:

“Who loves you, baby?”

Well, that didn’t work too well so I decided to inform her it was time for lunch. In doing so, I, not wanting to leave the table because I knew it meant going to the computer decided to eat and eat and eat. Before I knew it, I found myself in need of an Alka Seltzer all the while moaning:

“I can’t believe I ate the whole thing!”

Shortly thereafter, my sweetie tossed me a glance that seemed to say – get to your computer – but before she could utter another word, I quickly interjected these words of wisdom Ralph Kramden of the Honeymooners” used to say:

“To the Moon, Alice!”

except I didn’t use the name Alice because had I done that, she would have replied with the phrase associated with the show Maude which was:

“God’ll get your for that.”

Let’s face it, she was having a good day and getting a lot done. To appreciate her, I said: you are like the Energizer Bunny – you know –

“It keeps going and going and going …”

Not wanting to upset her more than I may already had and trying to lighten the mood, I blurted out the saying from Saturday Night Live::

“We are two wild and crazy guys!”

Apparently, she was going to join me in my trip down “famous one-line” lane because she came right back at me after hearing what I said about being two wild and crazy guys and quoted that familiar saying by Geraldine on “The Flip Wilson Show”:

“What you see is what you get.”

So how do I end this week’s post while staying with the theme I decided to use – you know something different. Oh, I have it, let me end this with my favorite saying from the show – A-Team –

“I love it when a plan comes together!”

Happy Fourth of July to all and stay safe! Until next time!

Are You Ready For This!

Here I am again – that was a fast week – and to top it all off, we are heading into the last week of June. Where did the last six months go?

Do I have a particular post in mind? Nooooo, just some more humor with the hopes it will bring a smile to everyone’s face and bring your spirits up if they are down.

Did you ever think about what a kid’s instructions on life might be ….

For instance, they might just tell you to “wear a hat when feeding seagulls.”

Don’t flush the toilet when your dads in the shower.

Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes.

When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” Don’t answer him.

Never spit when on a roller coaster.

Never try to baptize a cat.

And before I move on to something else to get a smile out of you:

Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.

Okay, so I know I have a weird sense of humor but hey I’d rather be smiling and laughing than frowning and crying so I apologize ahead of time for this next joke. Perhaps it is because it is places like this that I keep worrying about – they want me, and I do my best to stay away from them. But that does not mean I do not write about them. Here goes:

The Mental Hospital

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary’s heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, “Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are being discharged. Since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you have regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.” Mary replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.”

“And I Walk Among You!”

I don’t know if there are any rednecks out there reading my dribble but if you are, here are a few tips for y’all!

If you are planning on entertaining in your house, a centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

If by chance you decide to take in a movie at your local movie theater – refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven THEY CAN’T HEAR YOU!

One more about rednecks and that is if you are driving and your car runs out of gas, when sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Okay, new subject – Product Packaging.

What is it with some of the instructions we find on various products? For instance, why would the following instructions be on a string of Chinese Made Christmas Lights:

For indoor or outdoor use only.

Here’s one for you found on tiramisu dessert:

Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

Okay, I guess it is time to bring this to a close but before I do, you guessed it – One more for the road – and I just learned this since I turned eighty –

“I don’t do drugs anymore ‘cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast!”

Enjoy your upcoming week and stay safe. Be back next week, same bat time, same bat channel!

Now where did I leave my wheels, it’s getting dark outside, and I am supposed to be home before dark.  Y’all take care now, ya hear!