What Makes Us Laugh?

Okay, so I goofed last week and didn’t post on Sunday as I have been trying to do every Sunday. Getting back into my routine, what follows is a list of 20, yes, I said 20, short statements that may get you smiling today as you read this. I mean let’s face it, I am sure one of these 20 items will get you to laugh. The list covers both sexes and does not discriminate. Read each one carefully and how does that old saying go: “If the shoe fits, wear it!” Oh, and by the way, I have more but I decided to spread them out over the next few posts.

  1. If you’re not laughing so hard you actually hurt at least once a day, you need to re-evaluate your life.
  2. Pigtails are better than Botox.
  3. You can only fake something for so long. Eventually the real you will shine through, so you might as well just be yourself all the time.
  4. If you don’t love animals, you’re probably going to need a lot of therapy.
  5. Sorry blondes – redheads have more fun!
  6. Dance – even if others don’t recognize it as dancing.
  7. Pay attention to red flags, black auras, and deep green eyes.
  8. The family we create is often better for us than the family we’re born into.
  9. Jimmy Buffet music is a good cure for sadness.
  10. Your boobs will be closer to your waist than your chin for 60% of your life.
  11.         Tip well and treat everyone like people not the job they do.
  12. When you’re happy, notify your face.
  13. There is no such thing as too much chocolate (as long as it’s vegan, fair trade, and sustainably harvested).
  14. Don’t be afraid to let your talents shine.
  15. We catch the mood of the people we spend the most time with, so choose carefully.
  16. One of the most important things we should all learn is how to be happy alone.
  17. The voices in your head are often out of their minds.
  18. Not everyone will like you. In fact, there are some people you really don’t want to like you.
  19. If you buy the low sodium version, you’ll just end up adding salt.
  20. Picking up dog poop is much less disgusting than wading into political debate.

Okay, let’s change the pace here and let me share with you some of the words we learned since we migrated from snowbird country and what they mean. Yup, you got it, we warnt (weren’t) born here in Florida. As a matter of fact, some of the people we met shortly after arriving in Florida had a name for us. They called us “Dam Yankees”! When I asked what that meant – they said: “Well, northerners that come to Florida and just stay for a few weeks vacationing are just plain Yankees. But seein’ that we bought a house and sort of “put down roots” meaning that we warnt going back, well, they called those folks – “Dam Yankees.”

 For instance, we were visiting these friends one evening and I was somewhat confused when our guests got to talking about celery. Now we know celery is a vegetable we eat but this here friend was using the word to describe the wages they pay in Florida. To them, Celery (salary) represented the pay earned for doing a good job. (“She done so good in her new job; she got a huge celery increase.”). And when talking about their youngins’ they used words like GRAWN which to them meant mature – you know like (“Little Billie Bob’s all grawn up.”)

Why one time I really got lost in the conversation because what I thought I heard one of them say made me think of the beach and the beautiful sandy shores that adorn Florida’s coastline. The words that were being used were RAISE SAND. I thought they were discussing the beach when instead they were talking about a commotion one of their relatives made recently. (“He raised sand when Sarah Lou came in late from the school dance.”)

I could go on and on but let me end this portion of my post with but one more and that is the word WANG.  By now you got the picture of what I am trying to say, and I am sure you got this one. A WANG is really that part of the chicken that was made for eating, not flying.

What can I say folks, every morning I get up, sometime between the time my feet hit the floor and I make that first cup of coffee, I realize we all only have 1440 minutes in a day? What do I do? I try to find some wild and crazy idea in the back of my head that I can convert into a Blog post. Creating funny, cheerful, and yes, sometimes downright crazy stuff makes my day so much better. 

The only thing that might be better is a stack of pancakes with butter and syrup on. Hmmm, how soon is breakfast? Oh, drat, that’s right, I already had breakfast. What’s that, you want to know what I had for breakfast. Well, on Sunday mornings we have what I call Irwin’s Egg McMuffin. I toast a Cinnamon Raisin English Muffin, drizzle a bit of Sugar Free Syrup on the muffin as soon as it pops out of the toaster, let that soak into the muffin, then spread a bit of butter on it. Then I scramble an egg and pop that right smack in the middle of the two halves. Accompany that with a small orange juice along with two protein shakes (Atkins Café Au Lait Iced Coffee for me and a Premier Café Latte for my honey – the only caffeine we have in a day), tops the breakfast off. With that under our belts we are both ready to face whatever Sunday is going to throw at us. Guess the pancakes will have to wait until next week some time.

Stay safe, stay well, and be happy.

Until next time!

Western Slang!

OOPS!!! – Shame on me, I missed my Sunday deadline and thought I was doing so good. To use a bit of western slang when explaining myself to ya’all, let me just say that even though I promised I would post weekly – apparently all I did was to give you all ‘a lick and a promise’ (to do haphazardly) that I would be true to my word.

When it gets right down to it, I really didn’t mean to ‘beat the devil around the stump’ (to evade responsibility or a difficult task) as that little thing called life got in my way.  You know what I mean – our usual ordinary lives that include family, friendship, doctor appointments, and so forth. In addition, my muse abruptly left me. Each time I wanted to sit down and write, something else around the house that needed attention popped into my head. Who am I kidding – we all know that “Any excuse is better than no excuse” but truth be told, I have no real excuse.

Now I could pretend that I wasn’t to blame or be a ‘flannel mouth individual’ (an overly smooth or fancy talker) but that is not my style.

Nope, truth be told, we just had a busy week both last week and that business extended into this week and well, I dropped the ball (football jargon there).

So, when I received an email from one of my friends that follow my blog expressing his concern, I thought to myself I had better ‘pony up (hurry up) and get these fingers working on a post y’all might enjoy.

And seeing that I used Western Slang as the title to this week’s post before you all get to wondering – the answer is NO – I was not off somewhere ‘bending an elbow’ (having a drink) and thus was not on a ‘Bender” (drunk).

Fact of the matter is I was just ‘played out’ (exhausted). And rather than ‘shootin my mouth off (talk nonsense, or untruth) I thought I had better fess up and tell you the reason there was no post.

I could ‘kick up a row’ (create a disturbance) and be a mean ‘Rip’ (reprobate) or ‘skedaddle’ (run like *@#$%) but that is not my style.

I guess the above lingo is what rubbed off me during the four years we lived in Arizona back in the seventies.

Okay, so much for me and my feeble attempt to excuse myself for missing my weekly posting deadline. I dood it and I bad! Seeing that I usually attempt to write something funny for you to think about and chuckle about, allow me to end this post doing something a bit different. What follows is known as a Drabble. For your information, drabbles are short stories written with only 100 words – not 99 nor 101 – but 100. It is called:

Master, where are you?

He walked into the room, eyes searching, looking around, both high and low as though searching for clues to some dark secret mystery. It was here just yesterday – where could it have gone? Who could have possibly moved it and why? Everyone has a muse or something that provides inspiration. How else do we find purpose in setting at the desk, pen in hand, or fingers poised above the keyboard ready to share the knowledge accumulated. What was it he used to say to me:

“Always pass on what you have learned!”

Master, where are you?

Okay folks, I hope that explains my absence. By finishing and posting this post today I see I have three days to find my muse and create a post for the 17th of this month. Hope you enjoyed this week’s or should I say last week’s post. To end this with yet another piece of Western Slang, let me just say that what you have just read is ‘The whole kit and caboodle’ (the entire thing).

Stay safe, stay well, and most of all, be happy!

Until next time!

Dream Catchers

If memory serves me well, it was shortly after we moved to Arizona back in the 70’s that we were introduced to what were known as “dream catchers.”

Dream catchers are nothing more than a handwoven willow hoop, on which is woven a net or web. It may also be decorated with sacred items such as certain feathers or beads. Traditionally, dreamcatchers are hung over a cradle or bed as protection.

Like Ojibwe (some Native American and First Nations cultures), the Lakota legends about dreamcatchers begin with a spiritual being associated with spiders. Iktomi, (a spider-trickster spirit, and a culture hero for the Lakota people) created the dreamcatcher to catch good ideas on the web, so they won’t be lost, but let bad ideas filter through the central hole and simply pass by their people unharmed.

Other examples are the “spiderwebs” hung on the hoop of a cradle board. In old times this netting was made of nettle fiber. Two spider webs were usually hung on the hoop, and it was said that they “caught any harm that might be in the air as a spider’s web catches and holds whatever comes in contact with it.”

The reason for this post is not to dispute whether a dream catcher does the job but whether the person over whose head the dream catcher resides believes in it. Over the years, some people have utilized dream catchers solely for those individuals suffering from bad dreams.

Do they work? Some probably say they do while others might say it is a waste of time. Here’s the thing – in my humble opinion, it’s what you believe in. Do I believe in them? Hmmm, how should I answer this question? Let me just say that while I am not from Missouri (known as the ‘show me’ state), I’d have to not only be shown, but somehow be convinced such lore works. As to how such proof would be provided when it comes to dreams, well, I would have to take the person at their word should they say that after hanging a dream catcher above their headboard, their nightmares disappeared. But, in these trying times with what all is happening around the world today – another of my philosophies is just this:

Whatever works!

Before I go, you know I cannot end this post without writing something to make everyone  laugh, and reminding myself that I am now an octogenarian, let me leave you with but another thought – “Look on the bright side of having shaky hands as we get older – now when we are at the grocery store and pushing the shopping cart – the wheels stop wobbling!”

Until next time!

Where Does the Time Go?

The older I get, the faster it seems that our days go by. We are accustomed to getting out of bed at 6 am each morning to go about our daily routines. Such routines consist of making the bed, stretching, preparing breakfast, cleaning up the kitchen and then making a list of what we hope to accomplish before day’s end. In many instances, I get at least 50 percent of them if not more completed. But then there are days, that I only check off three or four items by day’s end.

Part of the reason for this is that I tend to allow my mind to wander towards other things – things like creating a post for this blog site, researching material for either a future post or the possibility of yet another book. I now have three eBooks to my credit – and lately I have been thinking about a fourth. Whether or not I will write it has yet to be determined.

Where does my mind go when it strays away from the tasks at hand? Well, I am constantly thinking of wild and crazy things to post on Lakeland Musings by Irwin. Seeing that I post weekly, and my posting date is usually Sundays, I should devote a specific amount of time each day from Monday through Friday, allowing Saturday as the day to correlate/edit the material so that I can post the final edited version first thing on Sunday morning. But alas, even though we are retired, our days tend to be filled with many odds and end type jobs and before we know it, we are staring at each other saying: “Where did the time go? Is it really time for dinner or is it really time to go to bed?” Who said retirees lead boring lives!

Yesterday a few things popped into my head that has me puzzled and knowing me, that puzzlement led me to think that – “Hey, this would be good stuff for my blog site”. So, allow me to share some of my wild and crazy thoughts that will make up the majority of this week’s blog posting.

At times I let my mind wander off and it takes me to strange places. For instance, just sitting and staring at the lake yesterday, I got to thinking – “if you absent-mindedly swallowed some food coloring, do you feel like you dyed a little inside?”  Or, thinking about names of individuals and what funny things I could write about them, I got to thinking – If David would lose his ID, would he just be Dav?   

And then my mind wandered to the subject of a chapter in my recent book which was a pencil. By now you are thinking what wild and crazy thing one could possibly write about a pencil – well, here’s the thing – “writing with a dull pencil is pointless.” I know, I need to get better material.

Another of my tasks around the house is to see that when one can of soda or protein shake is removed from the refrigerator, a warm one takes it place so that we always have cold soda and/or protein shake available to us. Well, to show that there is always something around the house that could prove to be fodder for my posts, as I was making the switch between warm and cold sodas yesterday, the following thought rushed through my head. The drink I was switching out was A&W Root Beer. As I was placing a warm can of A&W Root Beer into the spot that held the ice cold can I was having with my lunch, I got to thinking – “If you put root beer in a square glass – is it just beer then?” See what I mean, I cannot help myself and it seems to happen just before it is time to post.

Oh, let me back up here a minute. How far you ask? Well, all the way to when I stepped out of the shower and started to towel off. As I stepped out of the shower, yet another wild and crazy thought crossed my mind. It dawned on me that I had just discovered what the leading cause of dry skin was.  Towels!

Seeing that today is Sunday, here is yet another wild and crazy thought: “The goal of Sunday is to leave my home as little as possible.” While I could probably come up with a few more wild and crazy words of wisdom, I must leave some things for next week’s blog otherwise I won’t have anything to write about.

Having said that, I have but one more wild and crazy thought and that is:

To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing.

Stay safe, stay well, and most of all – stay happy!

Until next time! 

They Are Coming to Take Me Away, Away, Away!

Ever just sit and allow your mind to wander and come up with stupid thoughts. Welcome to my world. Here is something I thought about recently – What would I do if I were wrongfully put into an insane asylum to convince them that I was sane and not just pretending to be sane?  Hmmm, must think about that one for a minute. Okay, thought about it – now where is my coffee. I cannot function with my coffee – oh, look at that, I’m sitting in my cup, no wonder I cannot find my coffee!

Let’s see, what useless information can I share with everyone this week. Oh, I know. Have you ever wondered how dollar-bill changers know if your dollar is authentic? What do I mean? Just this, you are at a vending machine, and it tells you that the machine will accept coins, and dollar bills and by that, I mean in various denominations (usually they say on the front of the machine that it will take singles, fives, tens, or even twenties). You think to yourself – now how in the world is this machine going to tell the difference between George Washington on the $1 bill; Abraham Lincoln on the $5 bill; Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill; and Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill?

Well, truth-be-told, and I read this somewhere – these bill changers have several authenticity tests. Ever wonder why you couldn’t just cut out a piece of paper the size of a bill and insert it into the machine and get yourself a free bag of Fritos? Here’s why – the first test is a light that measures the bill’s thickness as it is entering the machine. Having gotten past the first authenticity test, next comes the test to determine what denomination you have inserted. There is a reason why our currency has the words “one dollar,” “five dollars,” or whatever on them. There is another light source within the machine that checks for these very fine lines that make up the words – “one dollar,” “five dollars,” and so forth.

Yet another test that must be done is to make sure that the magnetic characteristics in the ink with which the U.S. mint prints is on the up and up. Three down – two more to go.

Where would we be without tests that confirm the tests done before the one being performed. Yup, test number four is a test to double-check the correctness of the first three tests.

Finally, and I am surprised you didn’t think of this one based on what I said earlier and that is – the fifth test is to measure the bill for the correct length.

See, now that you have all this knowledge, go insert your bill into your favorite vending machine and upon receiving your little bag of Doritos, sit back, relax, and enjoy, knowing that you now know how that vending machine works and provided you with the appropriate change.

Let’s see, what else can I dream up to write about that will cause us all to smile, laugh, and well, get in a good mood. What I came up with was something I want to share with you. But I must be truthful about it – I cannot take credit for what you are about to read, and I do not know who authored it. Hopefully though it will do what it is intended to do – make you smile or even quite possibly laugh.  As you read the list, think about what you are reading as it probably does resemble your daily activities: 

I call it: “If you can”

If you can start the day without caffeine.

If you can get going without pep pills.

If you can always be cheerful ignoring aches and pains.

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when through no fault of yours something goes wrong.

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment.

If you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him.

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend.

If you can face the world without lies and deceit.

If you can conquer tension without medical help.

If you can relax without liquor.

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

……Then you are probably the family dog!

Let’s leave the world of the vending machines and dogs and go to some ridiculous Media Mentions.  By the way, most of these are very, very, old so do not ask where I got them – I probably read them a long time ago and came across an article or two lately that referred to them.

Here is one from a Dublin radio reporter (I told you they were old):

“Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you’d better set off a few minutes earlier.”

This one was apparently seen in the Miami Herald some time back – way back – probably at least 20 years ago.

“Man shoots neighbor with machete.”

Here’s a good one from the Detroit Daily News:

“Weather forecast: Precipitation in the morning, rain in the afternoon.”

And finally, one from our own IRS – U.S. Internal Revenue Service form:

“Passive activity income does not include the following income for an activity that is not a passive activity.”

As I like to say when I read such dribble – “And they walk among us!”

Okay, how many of you remember the question I asked at the beginning of this week’s post? Well, I have thought about the answer. Here, let me refresh your memories: “What would I do if I were wrongfully put into an insane asylum to convince them that I was sane and not just pretending to be sane? “Well, I would probably say something like the following: “You know, I have a lot of people who believe in me – which sort of scares me. Why? Because I always knew I was real.

Until next time!