Wild and Crazy Guy – That’s Me!

Ah! Home!

Hi all you Word Press Bloggers out there. Hope you are enjoying this Memorial Day Weekend.

Being the wild and crazy guy I am, (just look at my house shown at the beginning of this post) I decided to look through some of my old paperwork to share some wit and witticisms with you so as to do what I enjoy doing – making you smile. What did I come up with?

Zen Thoughts:

Wild and Krazy signs we see on occasion;

Words that don’t exist but probably should;

Daily humor; and

A few of Life’s unanswered questions.  

So, sit back and I hope you enjoy what follows:

Zen thoughts

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Okay, that’s enough of Zen thinking.

Wild and Krazy signs we see on occasion. For instance:

Pizza Shop slogan: “Buy our pizza. We knead the dough.”

In the front door of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

Now what about: words that don’t exist, but really should

Words like:

Elbonics – (el bon’ iks) – The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane.

Phonesia (fu nee’zhuh) The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Frust – (frust) The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dustpan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Okay, here is some more daily humor:

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Call the psychic hotline and don’t say anything.

Specify that your drive-thru order is “to go.”

Okay I see by the clock on the wall, time is passing faster than I expected and I need to get back to the book I am trying to write. So, let me end this week’s post by posting

A few of life’s unanswered questions:

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?

That’s all I got this week folks, see you next week – same bat time, same bat channel!

Stay well, stay safe, and enjoy the balance of your weekend.

Remote Control

What does this word represent or mean?

You can fast forward and rewind your life with a remote control…but!

 Let me explain:

You are traveling on a train and have a chance encounter with a stranger, who upon overhearing a discussion you were having with your wife about how your lives turned out since accepting the job in 1968 that eventually led to your being transferred to Jacksonville Florida, offers you a “remote control.”

But this is not any “remote control!” This remote control has the ability to allow you to either fast forward or rewind your life.  What do you do?

So many thoughts are rushing through your head. You are happy with your life. But being truthful to yourself you know that there were some moments, that had you done or said things differently, your lives may have changed. Question is would those changes had been for the better or the worse?

Being the realist that he is though, the question does cross his mind and he has to ask: What is the catch?

No catch replies the stranger. But know this, should you choose to rewind back to an earlier time and choose the path not taken – your present status in life may not be the same as it is today.

To which raises the question: What if I decide to use the “fast forward” button and like what my future looks like say ten years into the future? Can I automatically jump forward to that position?

The stranger replied: That is a definite possibility, but…………keep in mind that you will be going from what you know and have experienced up to this point in your life to ten years into the future.

What is wrong with that?

The stranger responded – whatever happened during those ten years will be a complete blank.  Are you prepared to live with that – not knowing how certain things came to be?

Well, he asked the stranger: what is the point of having a “remote control” device such as this?

There is a moral to this story and I am sure when you think about it a little longer now that we have had this brief discussion you will realize what it is. And with that, the stranger proceeded to say the following:

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. – Buddha

Until next time!

Makes sense to me! 2+2+2=7

Did you ever wake up in the morning and have that little guy in your head start blasting you with guilty feelings over something you were supposed to do but didn’t. Well, that guy has been bugging me for days now – and for what – Okay, so I missed my weekly deadline for posting something here on my blog site. Geez! What can I say – I do have a life you know (not really but I like to think so).

Well, in looking over my last post I see it has been eleven or if we count tomorrow twelve days since I posted last. Well, shame on me. What to do – what to do? At the present it is 9:23 PM and seeing that my beautiful wife has already retired for the evening, rather than read which is what I have been trying to make a bedtime habit, I decided that I owe it to myself to at least attempt to “get back on the horse” and write something. And being the whimsical guy I am, naturally it will have to be something either wild and crazy or something that hopefully will elicit a smile and a laugh from those of you that take the time out of your busy schedules to follow my dribble.

What follows are a few jokes that I came across in my attempt to come up with ideas regarding what to write about. Hope you enjoy them.

Guilty and Depressed

Sherri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “It’s gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I feel guilty and depressed for a week afterwards.” “I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.” “NO!!!” exclaimed the nurse. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward.”

Express Mail

An old woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service. “There is no hurry,” she told the clerk, “just so the package is delivered in my lifetime.” He glanced at her and said, “That will be $3.95, please.”

Okay, one more –

Makes sense to me! 2+2+2=7

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: No, listen carefully…If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher” Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2. how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?

A very angry Johnny: Because I’ve already got a fricking cat!!!!

Ta Da!

Hope you all enjoyed this post. Until next week!

Nothing Special

Just a pondering!

Did you ever wonder how to double your money real fast? Easy – fold it over once and put it in your pocket!

Ever wonder what the secret is to return from a casino with a small fortune? Easy – go there with a large one!

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still!

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Did you know that a backward poet writes in verse.

If you jumped off a bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

Retirement takes all the meaning out of weekends.

When eating fruit – think of the person who planted the tree.

Here is a question to ponder over: How old would I be if I didn’t know how old I was?

And to bring this wild and wacky post about nothing special to an end, let me just share this quote by Buddha:

Each morning

We are born again

What we do today

Matters most.

Have a great weekend

Until next time!

Feeling Kinda Wild and Wacky Today

Good morning all:

What shall I ponder or muse about this week? Hmmm! Okay, let’s have a little fun using automobile insurance as the topic of discussion. I have been in the process of weeding out old paperwork and the like trying to get rid of all that unwanted baggage we humans seem to think we cannot live without. As a result, while going through the reams of paperwork I have saved over the years, I came across this letter to an insurance policy about an accident. Well, it’s not really a true letter to an insurance company. You know me – my posts, for the most part are created to elicit a smile, chuckle, or if I am lucky, get you rolling on the floor laughing your you know what off. In any case, my posts are designed to take your mind off whatever is troubling you, at least for a small moment in time. With that thought in mind, let me remind you that what follows is all in jest. Hope this gets you smiling or even laughing and in the mood for the weekend that will soon be upon us. Can you believe tomorrow is the first of May already. Here goes:

From: 1234 Screwball Place

Hollywood, California

To: Protectem and Savem Casualty Company

      123456 Wilshire Boulevard

      Los Angeles, California (probably written before ZIP Codes as there was none)

Dear Sir:

I can’t find my insurance policy, but had this little card with your company’s name, and I thought I had better write to you and give you some information about an accident that I had with my car a couple of weeks or so ago. I did not think at the time that I was at fault and didn’t think much would come of it as there were five people in my car to testify for me and only four in the other car, so we have one more witness than they do. This other car was driving ahead of me and it was about midnight, raining awful hard, and all at once he stopped real short to keep from hitting a kid on a bicycle, and I ran smack into the back of his car.

I don’t know how I could have been expected to see that this car ahead was stopping as the lights on my old 1941 car are real dim, and my brakes could be better. If I have time to pump the brake pedal a few times she stops pretty good though. Another thing, the windshield is kinda yellow and has about a million little cracks in it that makes it kinda tough to see out at night, so all a Court would have to do is look at my car, and they’d know in a minute that the other car should have signaled so I could have more time to stop.

Another thing, a lawyer for one of the passengers in the other car called me twice saying they had traced me by my license number. I know that no one saw the accident happen except this one lady passenger in the other car, because the other three people were all unconscious when I went up and looked in. This lady claims to have gotten my license number while she was laying out in the road (she was thrown out of the car) but I know she was in no shape to know what she was doing because according to the lawyer, she had a fractured skull and a brain concussion, so her testimony wouldn’t hold up in Court.

What I want you to do is to get an estimate of my damage right away and see if you can collect from the other driver. He ought to be good for it, he had a 1967 Cadillac. Or if he don’t pay, then we ought to find that darned kid on the bike and sue him.

Oh say, a couple of the boys in my car claim they haven’t been able to go to work on account of they cracked their heads on the windshield. It’s good enough for them because they had been yelling like Indians to get out of the car a few minutes before the accident. They seemed to think that I wasn’t in shape to drive just because we had a few beers while fishing. We only had two cases among the five of us so I couldn’t have been so bad.

I thought I would save you some trouble and that’s why I’ve been telling the cops and the lawyer that I didn’t have any insurance, but I guess you had better take over now. I’m sure glad you folks insisted on raising the limits of my policy to a hundred thousand. When I told the lawyer that, he said he wouldn’t bother me anymore.

Yours truly

I.M.Right

And they walk among us!

Stay safe my friends and keep smiling – one day at a time, one day at a time! Until next time!