I have always been a big fan of lists. To-do lists,
Honey-do lists, check lists, laundry lists, packing lists, grocery lists,
travel lists, and so forth. It is as though there is a list for everything.
Many of us write and use them. Some go to the extreme
while others just write lists that will get them through the day.
With that thought in mind I decided today I would do
something different. Today I am going to write my list but instead of it being
one of the afore-mentioned lists – it will be a list of things I am NOT going
to do today.
I am NOT going to start my own fan club on Facebook.
I am NOT going to go sky diving without a parachute.
I am NOT going to dance in public as though I am
I am NOT going to ask directions to the place I am
I am NOT going to recognize someone I truly do not
I am NOT going to sing in public.
I am NOT going to pay my grocery bill in pennies.
I am NOT going to ask a complete stranger for
directions to a certain place and then walk away in the opposite direction.
I am NOT going
to sit at the airport reading my book upside down.
I am NOT going to show up at our next Homeowners
meeting wearing a wide-brimmed sombrero and when asked: “Why?” look them in the
eye and say, “What do you mean?”
I am NOT going to our local supermarket – grab a handful of bananas and go to the checkout counter and ask the clerk: “Can I get a better price on these bananas?”
I am NOT going to go to McDonald’s and ask for a
Whew, re-reading the above list was quite exhausting.
Good news though, is that every item on this list is something that –
world today is so mixed up that to get my mind off of all that is going on – I decided
to let myself go and just soar into whatever imaginative space I can and in
doing so piece together a quirky world of my own through words. What better way
to do that than to be spontaneous and go with whatever thought pops into my
head! Seeing that yesterday I had way more caffeine than I should have – the first
thought that popped into my head was seeing or thinking that “coffee was never
Can you picture such a scenario…..How do you start
your day? I mean – how do we function? Our day usually starts by going to the
bathroom to do our duty – it’s @#$%^
getting old, isn’t it? Next is stepping on the bathroom scale where, either you
do a happy dance, or you criticize yourself for having that Apple Fritter this
past Saturday. Oh well, what’s done is done. Time to move on.
The kitchen awaits you as does your newspaper. The
moment of truth has arrived but remember at this point we still are not aware
of the fact that coffee has never been discovered. So, you go to your pantry to
get out the coffee and all you see is a box of black tea bags – Earl Grey as a
matter of fact. You think to yourself – where is my coffee? What has it been
now – twelve hours since you had a cup of coffee, or so you thought!
With that thought still looming in your brain, your eyes stray to the newspaper laying open on the table and the headlines staring you right in the face: Notice – “Coffee has never been discovered!” You only thought that you were drinking coffee. Am I reading it right? What happened? Is this a joke? What am I to do now? Did someone turn back the clocks? Is it April Fool’s Day?
Interesting thought – isn’t it? How would you handle
Let me clear up a few things before I even attempt to
write this article.
First off – I am not a stupid person. Now I know that
I have been known to do stupid things in the past and some might say I do
stupid things on a fairly regular basis, but – truth-be-told, I’m not what some
would call dumb. While I do not have a college degree, I do hold several
prestigious insurance designations, one of which a former professor considered
the equivalent of a “Masters Degree in Insurance”.
Second – Technology is not in any shape or form my
Third – Other people should be banned from ever
touching my computer.
Remember that old saying: “You can’t teach an old dog
new tricks” – guess what – they are probably right. Perhaps it is a sign that I
am getting old or maybe these old grey cells just aren’t interested in learning
new things. How do I know this? What other explanation could you come up with
to explain that whenever I decide to sit down at my computer, were there a
mirror in front of me in addition to the computer, I would watch myself
transform from a quiet soft-spoken, and kind gentleman into a complete idiot
that would be better off far away from the computer. You know a place like a
comfortable rocking chair with a nice soft chew toy to keep me occupied.
Do I blame the computer for my failings when it comes
to understand both the machine and the lingo it spits out at me? No, especially
since it is a new computer I only have about six months and I am trying
desperately to be its friend. They told me at the store that it should make my
life easier and less complicated. Notice
I said should make my life easier.
After all, isn’t that the theory behind computers – machines are to make our
lives easier. If that is true though, why did the programmers insert so many
fancy things into the computer that do their best to overwhelm the average user
(in case you haven’t figured it out – I am that average user)?
Our children do their best to assist us when asked
over to help us clear up the problem we may have created but then depending on
the relationship, they also have to shake their head at us and say: “What did I
tell you about clicking on this site or that site – you have no idea what may
be on those sites!”
How was I supposed to know that by clicking on the
site that talks about Starsky and Hutch (I was curious to know how old David
Soul and Paul Michael Glaser actually were), I quite possibly clicked on what
is known as a click-bait article – whatever that is. And to add insult to
injury – it was mentioned that I needed to clear my browsing history. How am I
going to browse if I delete the history?
The reason this subject was even brought up was
because it was evident that my entire browsing history had been laid bare and
there were questions about why I was looking this site and that site. Oops! It
finally dawned on me what was being said here and I don’t think my response
about “doing research for my next book” was very credible.
“So your next book is about sexy nurses?”
“It’s about the various stages of retirement and old
What can I say – look at it this way – if it turns out
real good, hopefully my book sales will earn enough of a profit that you won’t
have to worry about the cost of all the therapy you may need once the book is
I mean – we try to watch as they go through the
motions of making this change and that change but their fingers move so fast
across the keyboard, these old eyes just aren’t fast enough to catch what they
are doing. And when they are ready to leave, they tell you all is now well with
your computer, but it’s not true. You find out that the computer seems to be
more complicated than what it was before they even turned it on.
I have both a smart phone as well as a tablet, but as
many of us older folk are at this stage in our lives – I don’t know how to do
much with either one (I get the basics and maybe one or two other items but
that’s it). I text people, post quips on Facebook, and check my email (I now
have to check two locations versus one due to requesting assistance in this
area). Oh, and I am typing this article using my laptop computer. Enough of my
ranting and raving or as some might say “pondering!”
It is time to bring this article to a close and in
closing let me just say that: “A computer lets you make more mistakes faster
than any invention in human history—with the possible exceptions of handguns
Seeing that I am sitting here in front of my computer
trying my darnedest to be intelligent when I share whatever information I
intend to blog about with you, I got to thinking – why worry about it –
remember the sign you have hanging above your desk that reads:
is Better When You’re Writing.
Besides, those of you that do on occasion follow my
rants and raves should know by now that with me, anything is possible. Some days
it will be a joke – sometimes it will be a quote – and sometime it will be –
well – just some useless jibberish or what I like to refer to as useless
information. Guess what you are in store for today?
Remember when someone says something and we don’t
quite believe him or her and we hear the phrase – “take it with a grain of salt.”
Know where that came from? In ancient times, a ruler
by the name of Pompey, yup – the Roman general and politician who was defeated
by Caesar and murdered in Egypt – as did many an ancient ruler – thought it was
wise to put a real grain of salt into every drink offered him, as an antidote
to any poison that might have been put into it by a spy planted into his
domestic services by his foes. It was from his use of salt as an antidote that
we obtained our figurative expression.
Okay, I know you are dying to know why Pompey thought
salt was the antidote for any poison. Well back in those days, salt was desired
as much as gold was and thought to be a panacea.
And therein lies your history lesson for the day! Truth or fiction? Take it with a grain of salt!