Your daily humor!

Hi folks:

Been a bit busy doing this and that and other normal run of the mill duties that come with maintaining our home, reading emails, watching our favorite TV shows, working on my book, yada, yada, yada!

Bottom line is time slipped away and I did not get to post something earlier in the week but here I am attempting to meet my original goal of weekly posts.

What follows is just some daily humor for you all to read and hopefully get a chuckle or two.

Women should not have children after 35. Really …35 children are enough!

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

Why is it that “No one ever says ‘It’s only a game,’ when their team is winning?”

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal?”

And finally

When I worked, I earned a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there’s was a decimal point involved.

Y’all have a good day now, ya hear!

Wild and Crazy Guy – That’s Me!

Ah! Home!

Hi all you Word Press Bloggers out there. Hope you are enjoying this Memorial Day Weekend.

Being the wild and crazy guy I am, (just look at my house shown at the beginning of this post) I decided to look through some of my old paperwork to share some wit and witticisms with you so as to do what I enjoy doing – making you smile. What did I come up with?

Zen Thoughts:

Wild and Krazy signs we see on occasion;

Words that don’t exist but probably should;

Daily humor; and

A few of Life’s unanswered questions.  

So, sit back and I hope you enjoy what follows:

Zen thoughts

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Okay, that’s enough of Zen thinking.

Wild and Krazy signs we see on occasion. For instance:

Pizza Shop slogan: “Buy our pizza. We knead the dough.”

In the front door of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

Now what about: words that don’t exist, but really should

Words like:

Elbonics – (el bon’ iks) – The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane.

Phonesia (fu nee’zhuh) The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Frust – (frust) The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dustpan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Okay, here is some more daily humor:

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Call the psychic hotline and don’t say anything.

Specify that your drive-thru order is “to go.”

Okay I see by the clock on the wall, time is passing faster than I expected and I need to get back to the book I am trying to write. So, let me end this week’s post by posting

A few of life’s unanswered questions:

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?

That’s all I got this week folks, see you next week – same bat time, same bat channel!

Stay well, stay safe, and enjoy the balance of your weekend.

Remote Control

What does this word represent or mean?

You can fast forward and rewind your life with a remote control…but!

 Let me explain:

You are traveling on a train and have a chance encounter with a stranger, who upon overhearing a discussion you were having with your wife about how your lives turned out since accepting the job in 1968 that eventually led to your being transferred to Jacksonville Florida, offers you a “remote control.”

But this is not any “remote control!” This remote control has the ability to allow you to either fast forward or rewind your life.  What do you do?

So many thoughts are rushing through your head. You are happy with your life. But being truthful to yourself you know that there were some moments, that had you done or said things differently, your lives may have changed. Question is would those changes had been for the better or the worse?

Being the realist that he is though, the question does cross his mind and he has to ask: What is the catch?

No catch replies the stranger. But know this, should you choose to rewind back to an earlier time and choose the path not taken – your present status in life may not be the same as it is today.

To which raises the question: What if I decide to use the “fast forward” button and like what my future looks like say ten years into the future? Can I automatically jump forward to that position?

The stranger replied: That is a definite possibility, but…………keep in mind that you will be going from what you know and have experienced up to this point in your life to ten years into the future.

What is wrong with that?

The stranger responded – whatever happened during those ten years will be a complete blank.  Are you prepared to live with that – not knowing how certain things came to be?

Well, he asked the stranger: what is the point of having a “remote control” device such as this?

There is a moral to this story and I am sure when you think about it a little longer now that we have had this brief discussion you will realize what it is. And with that, the stranger proceeded to say the following:

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. – Buddha

Until next time!

Makes sense to me! 2+2+2=7

Did you ever wake up in the morning and have that little guy in your head start blasting you with guilty feelings over something you were supposed to do but didn’t. Well, that guy has been bugging me for days now – and for what – Okay, so I missed my weekly deadline for posting something here on my blog site. Geez! What can I say – I do have a life you know (not really but I like to think so).

Well, in looking over my last post I see it has been eleven or if we count tomorrow twelve days since I posted last. Well, shame on me. What to do – what to do? At the present it is 9:23 PM and seeing that my beautiful wife has already retired for the evening, rather than read which is what I have been trying to make a bedtime habit, I decided that I owe it to myself to at least attempt to “get back on the horse” and write something. And being the whimsical guy I am, naturally it will have to be something either wild and crazy or something that hopefully will elicit a smile and a laugh from those of you that take the time out of your busy schedules to follow my dribble.

What follows are a few jokes that I came across in my attempt to come up with ideas regarding what to write about. Hope you enjoy them.

Guilty and Depressed

Sherri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “It’s gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I feel guilty and depressed for a week afterwards.” “I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.” “NO!!!” exclaimed the nurse. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward.”

Express Mail

An old woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service. “There is no hurry,” she told the clerk, “just so the package is delivered in my lifetime.” He glanced at her and said, “That will be $3.95, please.”

Okay, one more –

Makes sense to me! 2+2+2=7

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: No, listen carefully…If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher” Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2. how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?

A very angry Johnny: Because I’ve already got a fricking cat!!!!

Ta Da!

Hope you all enjoyed this post. Until next week!

Are You a Glass is Half Full or a Glass is Half Empty Type of Guy?

Half Full or Half Empty?

I am a “the glass is half full” type of guy. However, that is not to say I have always been that way. Prior to retiring, and as a matter of fact, even up to a few years after that – well more than a few years after retiring, I looked at life as one where my glass was always “half empty.”  I am sure we all remember the expression “the glass is half full” or “the glass is half empty”.  Were I to say this in today’s age and in front of small children, I would expect to hear one of them say: “What’s that mean?”

Now that I am much older, I tend to look at my life as “half full!” This may seem a bit odd because depending on what group of people you associate with many people might feel that the glass is pretty much “half empty”.  Why? because we are senior citizens!

In my humble opinion, those individuals preparing to retire must ask themselves this question: Are our glasses half-full or half-empty? One of the best ways I know to look at our lives when we reach retirement age is to look at life as though we have a half-full glass as opposed to a glass that is half-empty.  Okay, for the skeptics out there, having reached retirement age, one might argue that our lives may be half-over. But that does not mean we should look at our lives as being half-empty.

True, I would have liked to know at age eighteen or even age twenty-five what I know now but one thing we all know is that we cannot turn back the clock. I am sure there are many facets of our life we wish we could relive and do it better but being realistic, the fact of the matter is there is no genie we can conjure up out of a bottle to ask for three wishes that might enable us to redo those days or years of our lives. So, what are our choices? Complain, scream, holler and say woe is me, woe is me! Nay, those are the words of an individual looking at life as if our glass is half-empty. Instead, we need to “man up” and accept our lot in life as it is and get on with it. Bottom line, we need to look at the rest of our life as if the glass is half-full.

Every morning I wake, I look forward to whatever life throws my way. Am I happy with some of the crap being thrown at me – No – but I stop and think to myself, posing the question: “Hey, will this matter five years from now or even better yet, next year?” Probably not – so why sweat the small stuff?

True, we all have issues as we get older but I have found that taking life one day at a time is the only way to move forward at this time in our life. One of the things I find helpful is writing a “To-Do” list every morning and by having a busy schedule. I’ve been retired now almost twenty-five years and the one thing I have learned is that we need to keep busy. I always thought I was a fairly healthy individual but believe me – when a sickness or health problem comes up at our age, the first thought to cross our mind, leastways my mind, is why did I let myself go. Actually neither my wife nor I have left ourselves deteriorate but we could have done more.

 Today we walk as much as we can and do morning stretches to keep our bodies limber and in fairly good shape. Years ago we line danced sometimes three days a week and some weeks five days a week. It is a lot of fun and does keep you in fairly healthy shape. Staying under the covers when that alarm goes off every morning is not a luxury to us – we look at it as an early start to something new and exciting.

Reminding ourselves that we aren’t twenty-five or even fifty anymore enables us to think of some of the comedic things that we might look forward to (or not) as we age. For instance, one thing that is consistent with regards aging is that our bladder tends to remind us that we do have unfinished business that needs to be taken care of once we wake. It is usually during my morning walk to the bathroom that I remember that I am no longer 25 or even 50. For some reason or another, once you pass the three-quarter of a century mark our bones and muscles tend to remind us that we are not as young as we used to be. Another hint is when we look at ourselves in the mirror and say to ourselves – who are you – when did you get so old? Good news though is the fact that looking back at me is an elderly gentleman smiling, saying “guess what – you don’t have to go to work today, you are retired”. 

While many of us succumb to many of the various ailments that come with the aging process, one has but to look at all the modern medicines available to us today that weren’t there yesterday. Modern medicine is being created and designed to enable us to cope with these ailments, enabling us to live  to a ripe old age of say 80 or 90.

It is true, however, that as with any change in say natures’ plan (leaves falling from trees, flowers dying and then watching both the trees and flowers come back to life when the seasons change), we could have repercussions as we live an extended life. What repercussions you ask? Repercussions such as quality of life issues. How do we cope with such issues? By keeping each other healthy by visiting the doctor regularly, eating the proper foods, exercise, and yes, take our medications as prescribed by our doctors.

Another thing I would recommend that will provide much benefit towards living to a ripe old age is staying socially active. Loneliness can be devastating. Stay active and surround yourself with friends and relatives. Even contact via the Internet, social media, phone calls, can be beneficial as we move forward at this point in our lives. While we have quite a few friends due to our dancing and social activities, and do stay in touch with our children and relatives even though they live thousands of miles away, I personally look forward to the exchange of thoughts with friends made via Social media sites such as Facebook; Retirement-Online.com, and Lakeland Musings by Irwin. Why, because our travel time has come to a standstill due to Covid-19 and since we cannot be there in person, keeping in touch via these mediums, remind us that we are not alone during this pandemic. By staying socially active via the Internet, I know that there will always be someone to talk to and share thoughts with.

Let me end this post with the following thought for the day:

Old age is like a car. Paint can conceal the exterior, but the lines reveal the age.

Look at the balance of our lives as merely another part of our story – one that we have to live, enjoy, and share with others.