It’s the Paperwork that is the Pits!

Have you ever thought about ridiculous accidents that you have heard about over the years? Take the one where a guy was out shopping for groceries and was reaching into one of those freezers where you must bend over as far as you can to get the leaf spinach that is on sale – you know – BOGO – buy one and get one free. Why do they make those freezers so deep anyways?  Anyways as this guy was bending over – he was short you know – like me – he bent over too far, lost his balance and fell headfirst into the freezer.

Another guy happened to be walking by and being a big guy, grabbed our freezer diver –you know the guy hanging onto two boxes of frozen spinach with ankles shooting straight up in the air, dragged him out and decided they had best go to the hospital to have him looked at, treated if necessary, and hopefully released.

Chances are that falling into the freezer was the easy part. My educated guess is that the real trauma came later when the guy had to answer all the questions posed by the people who fill out the insurance forms he had to complete. Can you see it now?  Or should I say can you picture the type of questions that might have come up? Questions like:

Was this an accident? 

The guy really wanted to answer: “No – I always go freezer diving for several boxes of spinach!”

But being a gentleman: he merely replies: “Yes”

Wanting to cover all the bases, the insurance adjuster then asked:

“Was there any other way to get the spinach out of the case?”

Thinking about this for a moment, the guy recalls that there was a tall gentleman on the opposite side of the freezer he could have asked to reach down into the freezer case to grab the two boxes. But being a ‘macho’guy, he didn’t want to embarrass himself by asking.  And yet. knowing that the mere presence of a tall stranger on the opposite side of the case was, in fact, another opportunity/way to secure the spinach, he responded: “Probably”

Then the adjuster asks the question: Have you ever obtained your spinach like this before?

Knowing that he has – he replies: “Many times.”

Next would come the part where the individual has to fill in the explanation of the accident onto the small space provided on the form.  And so forth and so on!

Keep in mind we are talking about weird/ridiculous accidents.

Everyone knows that if there is anyone that knows about weird accidents, mothers know. Mothers know more about weird accidents because over their child-rearing years I am sure most accidents that happen with children border on the ridiculous. When you get right down to it, our children never seem to do things in a conventional manner. Think about it – kids stuffing pennies up their nose, catching their arms in weird places, sticking their heads through fences, or getting their hand literally stuck in the cookie jar – are typical of the type of accidents kids endure.

Think back to when you were raising your children and they got into some weird type of accident – first few words out of your mouth were probably:

“How in the world could something like this happen?”

But, as parents, we learn to accept the fact that strange things do in fact happen.

It gets to the point that when something strange does happen, we just prepare ourselves accordingly. All we end up doing is defend ourselves as we ride to the emergency room when and if the accident does happen. While riding to the hospital, we are contemplating the questions that will be asked of the accident and the fun the individual asking the questions will have trying to squeeze the answers into the limited space provided on the insurance form.

Can you see it or hear it now? “How did your daughter break her arm?”

“Falling out of her tree house!”

“Your daughter has her own tree house?”

“Doesn’t yours?”

Or,here is one for you – “Patient cut his tongue while hiding a G.I. Joe soldier in his mouth that his brother needed to complete his army battlefield just to aggravate him. Try inserting all that on the: “Description of accident line.”

And this is just a brief sampling of the probable statements the nurse will attempt to write in the short spaces allowed on insurance claims forms.

Okay, I have rambled on long enough now – one more hypothetical story with you that, if you can attempt to picture the incident in your mind, might just have you rolling on the floor by the time you are done reading this article.

Thinking about the numerous road trips we have taken over the years and watching people use the bathroom often whether on a train, bus, or plane, I can just see the face of the individual that had to fill out the claims form when the accident is described as follows: “Individual had his buttocks lodged in an emergency exit when, while in the rest room of a bus, the bus swerved, forcing him into the window.”

I can see it now – before even attempting to complete the paperwork, one of the hospital staff is surely going to ask the following question of the victim:

“Was this your assigned seat?”   


Great Intentions or should the title be Stupid Questions?

I woke up this morning with “great intentions.” I have been putting this list of “To-Do’s” together and thought to myself, wouldn’t it be great if today I accomplished most of them. The mere thought of all that was on my list though, tired me out and so I decided to sit down and rest a bit.One minute led into two minutes which led into five and before I knew it an hour went by and guess what… the feeling went away!

With that thought in mind I decided to cool it and spend some time with friends. During the course of the evening, one thing led to another and before I knew it one of my friends brought up the topic of “stupid questions.” As is usually the case, someone in the group chimed in by saying: “There are no stupid questions.” Hearing this, I couldn’t let it go so I said to him: “If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?”

I’ve noticed lately that we as a community have become a community of worriers. Did you ever notice how worried some people are about what their neighbors might think of things they might do? Why one friend of mine told me that no matter how bad things get, he is sure that he would never take his own life. To make him feel good, I said that is a good thing because suicide is not the answer. His response to that was: “No, it wasn’t that he was afraid to take his own life if things got really bad. He wouldn’t commit suicide for fear of what his neighbors might say about his doing it.” 

Duh,and they walk among us!

Okay, we all have dirty little secrets (hopefully none about suicide). With that thought in mind here is a thought for us to ponder over. Did you ever wonder about white gloves and how dirty they would get if they fell in the mud? Think about it for a moment….if you drop a white glove into the mud, the glove will get muddy. But the mud will never get glovely.


By now, my guess is that many of you out there in never-never land are saying time to call the little men in white suits to take Irwin away. What can I say I should have mentioned at the beginning of this piece that there is no rhyme nor reason for this jibberish. I am just rambling on and hoping that those taking the time to read it will find a little bit of humor in my ramblings. Oh, and for all those individuals out there in never-never land wishing that you had a helping hand. Suck it up butter cup, there is one at the end of your arm. But I digress yet again! Remember above we were talking about stupid questions. Here is one for you: “What happens to the hole in swiss cheese when the cheese is gone?”

It is amazing where the human mind goes when attempting to find something comical to write about. I just learned that the older I get, the more I worry about money but after taking stock of all my assets recently, I have determined that I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life – unless I buy something that is. There goes my beach house,ranch in Arizona, and convertible we always wanted. Oh well, easy come, easy go. Who am I kidding – I never had it to begin with.

To conclude this wild and crazy piece, allow me to provide you with my two cents worth which, I must admit, I copied from a source long ago.  If it weren’t for my lawyer,I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with the two of us digging. 

And the beat goes on!

You might be a redneck if:

You can burp and say your name at the same time, you’re shur’ nuff a redneck.

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Walmart.

Your front porch collapses and four dogs git killed.

You’ve ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, “For a good time call….”.

You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

Advantages of being an “Old Geezer!”

Did you ever notice all the advantages we have of being an old geezer?


Before I go any further, allow me to clarify one important thing about much of my writing.  I have but one goal when I sit down to write and that is to amuse myself. When I post these articles here on my site, should those of you that take time out of your busy day to read my rants and raves, enjoy same, well then I am doubly pleased. The deal here is to get us to smile and for one short minute or two forget whatever troubles we might have. We all have good days and bad days, but if we get a chance to smile every now and then, well, chances are that brief moment in time may be all we need to make it through yet another day.  As to how much of what I write is fact or fiction and whether or not it is a page from my own playbook, well, I will leave that up to you. And no, that isn’t a picture of me above!

Lately I seem somewhat bored when I have some excess time on my hands. When that happens, so that I do not become depressed, I tend to think of things to amuse myself. For instance, even though we all know that getting old does have a lot of disadvantages, one must admit that there are some advantages too.

Why just a few short years ago, I had to get the last few teeth I had in my mouth removed and so that means that I no longer have to go to the dentist. Chances are, had not that happened, were I to need a tooth pulled, I would probably have attempted to pull them myself. (it is what us old geezers do)

Oh, and when it comes to driving, at our age, driving recklessly is actually expected, although many of us drive like old grandmas – and you know how slow they drive!

When we go out for the evening, at our age we can stay out and party as long as we want. Just so we are back home before dark.

For some, giving up brushing teeth, using deodorant, and shaving, even though such habits are disgusting, is expected.

Not that I ever worked in road construction, but truth be told, at our age, we never have to work such type jobs again. Nope, our place is as a Walmart greeter, or a supermarket bag boy. More our speed. See, yet another advantage.

Depending on how long we have been in our home, chances are we no longer have any house payments and even if we do, an educated guess is one of two things might happen should the Mortgage holder decide to evict you, 1. Due to how long it takes to evict someone, you will either have gone to meet your maker already or (2) they will just place you in an assisted living facility – which was probably what they intended to do anyway.

Here is a definite advantage and payback as well……as we get older, we may or may not suffer from incontinence problems. For those of us that do though, now we can get even with our children for when we had to change their diapers.

While I wouldn’t wish Alzheimer’s disease on anyone, an advantage might be the ability to insult people any time we want because chances are they will just let it pass saying: “That’s okay, it’s just Alzheimer’s or him being old and crotchety.

Getting old is also advantageous to our pocketbooks as well. How? When they take our drivers license away, we will save a bundle on auto insurance premiums.

Being an old person allows us to stop worrying about our weight, how we dress, and so forth. I know this sounds a bit extreme, but hey, we are old now, chances are no matter how much we care about our weight or how we dress, no one is going to take notice or even care.

Being old means we now get to watch our sons and daughters deal with their wild teenagers, have sleepless nights, and figure out how to live from paycheck to paycheck.

At our age, we can sleep in as long as we want….who is going to care?  Chances are though that the children might just pop in now and then to see if we are still breathing.

Finally, at our age, we realize that most of the things we run across during our day are more trouble than they’re worth.

And last but definitely not least, at our age another big advantage is that we no longer have to save money. Why save it – as I like to say to my kids – do not expect us to leave anything as we are spending your inheritance.

This particular old geezer has been enjoying retired life for almost 22 years (it will be 22 years next month) and the ‘old geezer’ part of retired life……..well……I will get back to you on that one as I haven’t felt like a true ‘old geezer’ yet but I am sure it is coming. Truth-be-told, I have been having too much fun to even think about, let alone worry about, the fact that I am actually getting old. In eleven more days I turn 78 but apparently for me, that isn’t looked upon as old, it is looked upon as getting better.

Growing old is mandatory

Until next time!

Wild and Crazy Things!


One of the things we do not talk about is some of the crazy things we do and the times we do them. I am talking about waking in the middle of the night and making your way to the workshop so that you can spend a few hours sorting screws, nuts, and bolts by size and placing them in containers or that cool container you recently purchased from Home Depot.

And then there was the day you decided to empty all the clothes from your closet to categorize them, match them by color and what shirt would go with what pants. You know you’re really in trouble when you did the same thing with your shorts (you can tell from reading this that the author is from the south – well, let’s put it this way, we have now been in Florida longer than we have ever been in PA – our state of origin – so I figure we earned the right to say we are from the south).

There are also the days you sit at your computer and say you are going to write – be it the Great American Novel or a blog post or two and instead decide that you had better organize the files on your computer.

Let’s face it……….you really didn’t want to do any of the above-mentioned stuff but you did it because you were either bored or depressed. Let’s look at these two words. The first …..bored is defined as feeling weary because one is unoccupied or lacks interest in one’s current activity. The second…… depressed is defined as in a state of general unhappiness or despondency.

Now that we are retired, so that we do not become bored or depressed, we need to fill those hours we used to spend at the office, factory, or wherever we put in our eight to ten hours a day with something …preferably something of consequence. Otherwise we are going to spend our days doing ridiculous things – things like flushing a Boston Crème donut down the toilet because you were watching some exercise program on TV to wile away the hours and were told donuts were not good for you.

While it is true, many retirees get bored shortly after they retire. Truth-be-told though and in my humble opinion, that is because they haven’t figured out what to do constructively with all their new-found time (you know the time I am talking about – the time you used to spend driving to and from work including the time spent on the job). I mean why else would someone, in the middle of a hot summer day, rush outside to sit on a bench talking to the septic tank cleaner guy while he is pumping out your septic tank. It has been known to happen!

And if you are one of those individuals that listens to the radio during the day and are tuned in to a station that accepts calls to discuss various topics, chances are you call in, not that you know about what they are talking, but primarily so you can talk to another human being. Or now that we have television, many of us turn the television on first thing in the morning so that we have someone to talk to. Oh yeah, I mean where else can you provide your two cents on a subject and not have to listen to the other person tear down all your well-thought out ideas?

When you stop and think about it, when our children were still children (I am talking about when they had pets, you know before they became teenagers), little did they know about the lengthy conversations we had with their hamster and even more intelligent conversations when they graduated from hamsters to guinea pigs.

Some might say: “Get a life!” But I like to think that those of us that do these weird and strange things in the middle of the night are truly enjoying our lives now that we are retired. We probably owe our current state of happiness or bliss due to the crazy things we did when we were much younger.

After all, what was it we used to say to the new employee after he was on the job for a few days: “You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps!”  Same thing applies in retirement – be your wild and crazy self – my guess is that you will enjoy your retirement years much more than the average bear.

Now where did I lay my yo-yo!


What is Newsworthy?


Ever wonder where news comes from today, who thinks it is newsworthy, and most of all, that it is something we are even interested in?

Seeing that I want to rant and rave a bit today, I decided to do a comparison of some ridiculous news as compared to news some would think is newsworthy and that which we should be reading and digesting.

What follows are headlines being presented as events or happenings our news media thinks we should be interested in:

“What to expect from Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s royal wedding.”

“Tracking who is spending money at President Trump’s D.C. hotel.

“23 breath-taking UNESCO World Heritage destinations in the United States.

Cuba was counting on Americans to visit. Then tourism dried up.

Now we come to articles provided as news that – well – who cares, but you be the judge:

“Loose monkey found climbing outside London apartment building.”

“Man wins $4.38 million with lottery ticket he got for free.”

“Moose blocks entrance to Alaska senior center.”

“Zoo charged for taking bear out for ice cream.”

It may just be me, but personally, other than being somewhat curious about the latter, somewhat ridiculous articles, none of these articles strike me as something I would want to waste my time reading. And people actually get paid to report these events as newsworthy events?

Other than posting these headlines as the rants and raves or ponderings of an old and getting older by the minute ‘geezer’ I cannot think of what they are good for. Can you?

Until next time!


Have you ever looked at a list of words and wondered – gee – what kind of weird yet funny story could I concoct with them. Something dumb and foolish if for no other reason than to create something funny – something worth while reading because it makes me laugh versus some of the crazy nonsense we are subjected to every day of the year.

For instance, just look at the following so-called headlines that we are subjected to:

Report: NFL owners didn’t vote on anthem rule

US cities where you may live next to a millionaire

‘Bachelorette’ Becca Kufrin fell in love with 2 men

Shailene Woodley and boyfriend make red carpet debut

The nation’s hottest job markets are in this state

To be frank with you, none of these so-called headlines interest me in the least because:

  • I do not watch sports
  • Why would I even want to live next to a millionaire
  • Who is Becca Kufrin
  • So what is the big deal – who is she anyway
  • What about the jobs in the state where I live

Getting back to the beginning of this post, allow me to share with you some of the words I feel would be funny if inserted in a news article that we would see in our local newspaper.

Words LM Post

Most of us when being asked to remind someone to do something at a specific point in time think of things like: Don’t forget to take your medicine at 3 o’clock pm or do not forget to mark your calendar that we are going to the movies at 7 pm Friday night.

But then there are some individuals that have a different idea of what the word remind means or how it is used. I am referring to the famous author Mary Shelley and her masterpiece “Frankenstein.” In her case, the word remind meant the brain transplant for her monster.

And then there are oxymorons – you know a figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjunction. But, is that statement true – is it a figure of speech or could it be that an oxymoron merely means as dumb as an ox. Think about that for a moment.

Depending on what part of the country you are visiting, another word might have two different meanings. Most of us think of the word rectum as making reference to a part of the human anatomy. But then, depending on where you are at and the matter being discussed, that word might be used in a completely different context. For example, if you found yourself in the hills of West Virginia in a conversation about some guy that was just in a bad automobile accident, you might just hear a conversation that goes like this:

Billy Bob: I hear that old Jasper was in a bad auto accident that almost rectum.

Bobby Joe: What do you mean rectum? That accident darn near killed him!

Most of us know that the word polite refers to having or showing behavior that is respectful and considerate of other people. Notice that I said most of us. My educated guess is that those same people not knowing the definition of rectum would merely be thinking that the word polite is nothing other than making reference to a lamp on a pole.

Shucks, these same people would not know that a sonogram is a graph representing a sound, showing the distribution of energy of different frequencies. Chances are, if used in a sentence around them – one of them would surely announce something like: “Oh, you got a sonogram (telegram) from your son, too!

That’s it……that’s all I got – just trying to get back in the swing of things by writing something wild and crazy once a week. Time to start my research for next week’s little piece of craziness.

Y’all be good and take care. Until next time!


Here are a few of the ways you might want to try so that you do not feel your age or so that others might not refer to you as old/ancient:

Keep in mind the fact that it is 2018, not 1967

Give a kind thought to that little tummy of yours that wasn’t there 10 or 20 years ago. If no one else likes it and you are a pet lover, you can be sure your dog or cat will love to cuddle with you and snuggle right in

Stop shopping at stores like Old Navy

Stop holding your waist in when in the company of those younger than you – all you do is limit the oxygen going to your brain – which might also be the reason why you are starting to forget stuff.

Remember what you were taught in the Army – Never Volunteer – I know it is hard because: (a) you are over 65, (b) you are both a grand-father and a great – grandfather, (c) you are retired, (d) and you are so used to saying “Yes, dear, of course you know I will do it”, whenever you are asked to do anything.

Admit you don’t like wearing shoes with shoelaces and prefer clogs, flip-flops, or anything you can just slip your feet into so you do not have to bend over.

You don’t have to be a fan of “Demi Lovato” or “Miley Cyrus” – saying so just makes you look like a “creepy old man!”

When out with friends, stop whining about every ache and pain you have – most of your friends have the same aches and pains and know how you feel. Besides, at your age, whatever it is will go away after a few days and be replaced by a different set of pains for you to complain about.

Go to Walgreens and buy an expensive pair of reading glasses. The expensive part will give you incentive not to lose them like you have been doing for years now.

When out with friends, quit referring to yourself as a relic from times gone by – especially when you kid about when dinosaurs roamed the earth. Fact is that not everyone is up to date with science today and you will just confuse them more.

When you cannot remember something, do not claim that you are going through early onset of Alzheimer’s. Continuing to do so will enable the dementia fairy to find you no matter where you go.

Well, that is all I got this afternoon. Wanted to get back in the groove of writing and thought this might be a good way to start. Hope you enjoyed my rambling on about the words old/ancient.

Now let’s see, where did I set my cup of coffee? Uh Oh, brain fart – what was I thinking – it is time for my glass of wine – “Ah, there it is!”


By the way, that is not me in the picture – I found it on “Free

Until next time!

Am I Getting “Geeky” or What?


Here I stand in our back forty trying my best to determine if I want to get on with raking all this hay and stuff or if I want to take a break and share some wild and crazy facts I recently learned with the hope that you do not know about them and once read, well, you will be as “geeky” as me.

One of the things I learned in all my readings is that the next time we visit Hawaii, I had better remind any of the single guys with us that they had best not flirt with any Hawaiian woman sporting a flower over her left ear. Why, you ask – because it is a sign that she is taken.

Oh, for those individuals out there that just love to clean their houses and so forth, did you know that Play Doh was originally designed to be a wallpaper cleaner. Can you see it now: Your three-year old grandson is playing on the floor with his Play Doh and grandma reaches down, snatches the Play Doh from his hand and says: “Sorry Bobby, but Grandma is cleaning today and you will have to find something else to play with as this is my Doh!    Meanie!

While on the subject of households, do you know why people use rat poison to rid their households of rats versus traps? It is because a rat is unable to vomit. Look at it this way, at least you don’t have to remove the pest from the trap.

Want to paint your kitchen a different color? Here is a hint: Never use the colors yellow and orange to spruce up your kitchen walls. These two colors are known to stimulate your appetite and we all know what happens after that – it makes you hungrier and well, there goes the diet!

Here is an interesting fact – next time you are in a Starbucks, take notice that the tables are round and not square. I know – now you are wondering why this is? Believe it or not, it is to encourage conversation among solo drinkers. Could be a good thing or possibly a bad thing. Depends on your reason for being there in the first place. If you are there to get some writing done, chances are the last thing you are seeking is companionship and someone to gab with. But if you are lonely looking for some conversation – well, need I say more?

Here is a piece of interesting trivia… ever give thought to what might have been the item that was used as a carburetor in the first ever Harley Davidson? Believe it or not, it was a tomato can. Hard to believe but then the only thing I ever used a tomato can for was when I used two of them and we had a string attached to the two of them as a means of communication (early walkie-talkies). I know, you are beginning to wonder – how old is this guy?

Here is an interesting piece of history – did you know that in 2005, a Wendy’s store was robbed by a Ronald MacDonald. Don’t believe it – look it up. Google – Ronald MacDonald – Wendy’s – and McDonalds. Oh, and add the year 2005. Guess he didn’t care for Wendy’s burgers.

Did you know that there is a real town in North Carolina named Boogertown? I know, who knew! And here is the fun part of this story. According to Wikipedia, this town, located in Gaston, North Carolina had moonshiners and they (these moonshiners) warned visitors that the bogeyman lurked in the forest to deter visitors from visiting the forest. As a result, the name Boogertown was selected.

Talk about cheap advertising – I read recently that a Canadian farmer once rented advertising space on his cows. Don’t think it is true – well – once again, Google the words – Canadian – advertising – and cows and see what you come up with.  Honestly, would I make this stuff up?

Ever wonder why pirates wore eye patches? So they could fight in the dark. Think about it. Chances are when fights would occur, they would extend to below the deck in addition to the fights occurring on the top of the deck. By wearing an eye patch, the pirate could easily and quickly adapt to low light conditions (as those beneath the deck would be) by switching the eye patch from one eye to the other. The eye that the pirate had covered was already used to the low light conditions and the pirate wearing the eye patch could resume fighting rather quickly once below deck providing him an advantage over his competitor. Who knew?

Isn’t it amazing how we entertain ourselves as we age – especially on rainy afternoons such as this one is. Well, I have other things to write about and bills to pay. If I get really energetic, I may even do some work around here this afternoon.  Nah, I lie – this is too much fun!

Enjoy your day – until next time!


Is This All There Is?

What is it about retirement that bothers us the most? Is it that we feel useless, bored, or that life and ourselves have become mundane? You know the days I am talking about. Those days where we say to ourselves: “Why bother getting out of bed – it is just going to be another day like yesterday!”

Why did I pick those three words to start this article? Let’s take a minute to look at the definition of those words.

Useless – Not fulfilling or not expected to achieve the intended purpose or desired outcome.

Bored or boring – Not interesting, tedious.

Mundane – Lacking interest or excitement; dull.

Now let’s take a look at the word retire – Retire – meaning having left one’s job and ceased to work.

Work – activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result. Prior to retiring – work usually meant that activity necessary to put food on the table and a roof over one’s head. Another word for work is employment.

Employment – the condition of having paid work; a person’s trade or profession; the action of giving work to someone.

If you will notice, both words – work and employment refer to activity one had to do. Retire or retirement is usually the time of our lives where we no longer have a job to go to and our time is now truly “our time!”

Unless we worked at a job we truly loved and enjoyed, chances are work was not truly fun. It was as the saying goes: “A means to an end.” According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary – the definition of “a means to an end” is ‘something done only to produce a desired result.’ Hence my reference above when I talked about putting food on the table and a roof over one’s head.

Now that we are retired though and going on the assumption that we have adequate income to still address the needs for food and shelter, the time once given to work should be given to ourselves. How else can we avoid boredom or the feeling of being useless?

I say this because even being as active as we try to be, there are days that I do feel useless, well, not so much useless as “Gee, isn’t there more than this?” But, then I also say to myself: “What is this? You are the one just sitting here looking at old “Murder She Wrote” reruns!”

Bottom line is that to enjoy our retired lives, we need to stay active. Read a book, put a puzzle together, go for a walk, visit the zoo, grab a cup of coffee with a friend, learn a new language, anything to keep both body and mind active. A busy person does not have time to sit and ask the question: “Is this all there is?” They are too busy living life and as a result, enjoying retirement.

Until next time!