Great Intentions or should the title be Stupid Questions?

I woke up this morning with “great intentions.” I have been putting this list of “To-Do’s” together and thought to myself, wouldn’t it be great if today I accomplished most of them. The mere thought of all that was on my list though, tired me out and so I decided to sit down and rest a bit.One minute led into two minutes which led into five and before I knew it an hour went by and guess what… the feeling went away!

With that thought in mind I decided to cool it and spend some time with friends. During the course of the evening, one thing led to another and before I knew it one of my friends brought up the topic of “stupid questions.” As is usually the case, someone in the group chimed in by saying: “There are no stupid questions.” Hearing this, I couldn’t let it go so I said to him: “If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?”

I’ve noticed lately that we as a community have become a community of worriers. Did you ever notice how worried some people are about what their neighbors might think of things they might do? Why one friend of mine told me that no matter how bad things get, he is sure that he would never take his own life. To make him feel good, I said that is a good thing because suicide is not the answer. His response to that was: “No, it wasn’t that he was afraid to take his own life if things got really bad. He wouldn’t commit suicide for fear of what his neighbors might say about his doing it.” 

Duh,and they walk among us!

Okay, we all have dirty little secrets (hopefully none about suicide). With that thought in mind here is a thought for us to ponder over. Did you ever wonder about white gloves and how dirty they would get if they fell in the mud? Think about it for a moment….if you drop a white glove into the mud, the glove will get muddy. But the mud will never get glovely.

Gotcha!

By now, my guess is that many of you out there in never-never land are saying time to call the little men in white suits to take Irwin away. What can I say I should have mentioned at the beginning of this piece that there is no rhyme nor reason for this jibberish. I am just rambling on and hoping that those taking the time to read it will find a little bit of humor in my ramblings. Oh, and for all those individuals out there in never-never land wishing that you had a helping hand. Suck it up butter cup, there is one at the end of your arm. But I digress yet again! Remember above we were talking about stupid questions. Here is one for you: “What happens to the hole in swiss cheese when the cheese is gone?”

It is amazing where the human mind goes when attempting to find something comical to write about. I just learned that the older I get, the more I worry about money but after taking stock of all my assets recently, I have determined that I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life – unless I buy something that is. There goes my beach house,ranch in Arizona, and convertible we always wanted. Oh well, easy come, easy go. Who am I kidding – I never had it to begin with.

To conclude this wild and crazy piece, allow me to provide you with my two cents worth which, I must admit, I copied from a source long ago.  If it weren’t for my lawyer,I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with the two of us digging. 

And the beat goes on!

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You might be a redneck if:

You can burp and say your name at the same time, you’re shur’ nuff a redneck.

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Walmart.

Your front porch collapses and four dogs git killed.

You’ve ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, “For a good time call….”.

You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

Advantages of being an “Old Geezer!”

Did you ever notice all the advantages we have of being an old geezer?

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Before I go any further, allow me to clarify one important thing about much of my writing.  I have but one goal when I sit down to write and that is to amuse myself. When I post these articles here on my site, should those of you that take time out of your busy day to read my rants and raves, enjoy same, well then I am doubly pleased. The deal here is to get us to smile and for one short minute or two forget whatever troubles we might have. We all have good days and bad days, but if we get a chance to smile every now and then, well, chances are that brief moment in time may be all we need to make it through yet another day.  As to how much of what I write is fact or fiction and whether or not it is a page from my own playbook, well, I will leave that up to you. And no, that isn’t a picture of me above!

Lately I seem somewhat bored when I have some excess time on my hands. When that happens, so that I do not become depressed, I tend to think of things to amuse myself. For instance, even though we all know that getting old does have a lot of disadvantages, one must admit that there are some advantages too.

Why just a few short years ago, I had to get the last few teeth I had in my mouth removed and so that means that I no longer have to go to the dentist. Chances are, had not that happened, were I to need a tooth pulled, I would probably have attempted to pull them myself. (it is what us old geezers do)

Oh, and when it comes to driving, at our age, driving recklessly is actually expected, although many of us drive like old grandmas – and you know how slow they drive!

When we go out for the evening, at our age we can stay out and party as long as we want. Just so we are back home before dark.

For some, giving up brushing teeth, using deodorant, and shaving, even though such habits are disgusting, is expected.

Not that I ever worked in road construction, but truth be told, at our age, we never have to work such type jobs again. Nope, our place is as a Walmart greeter, or a supermarket bag boy. More our speed. See, yet another advantage.

Depending on how long we have been in our home, chances are we no longer have any house payments and even if we do, an educated guess is one of two things might happen should the Mortgage holder decide to evict you, 1. Due to how long it takes to evict someone, you will either have gone to meet your maker already or (2) they will just place you in an assisted living facility – which was probably what they intended to do anyway.

Here is a definite advantage and payback as well……as we get older, we may or may not suffer from incontinence problems. For those of us that do though, now we can get even with our children for when we had to change their diapers.

While I wouldn’t wish Alzheimer’s disease on anyone, an advantage might be the ability to insult people any time we want because chances are they will just let it pass saying: “That’s okay, it’s just Alzheimer’s or him being old and crotchety.

Getting old is also advantageous to our pocketbooks as well. How? When they take our drivers license away, we will save a bundle on auto insurance premiums.

Being an old person allows us to stop worrying about our weight, how we dress, and so forth. I know this sounds a bit extreme, but hey, we are old now, chances are no matter how much we care about our weight or how we dress, no one is going to take notice or even care.

Being old means we now get to watch our sons and daughters deal with their wild teenagers, have sleepless nights, and figure out how to live from paycheck to paycheck.

At our age, we can sleep in as long as we want….who is going to care?  Chances are though that the children might just pop in now and then to see if we are still breathing.

Finally, at our age, we realize that most of the things we run across during our day are more trouble than they’re worth.

And last but definitely not least, at our age another big advantage is that we no longer have to save money. Why save it – as I like to say to my kids – do not expect us to leave anything as we are spending your inheritance.

This particular old geezer has been enjoying retired life for almost 22 years (it will be 22 years next month) and the ‘old geezer’ part of retired life……..well……I will get back to you on that one as I haven’t felt like a true ‘old geezer’ yet but I am sure it is coming. Truth-be-told, I have been having too much fun to even think about, let alone worry about, the fact that I am actually getting old. In eleven more days I turn 78 but apparently for me, that isn’t looked upon as old, it is looked upon as getting better.

Growing old is mandatory

Until next time!

Wild and Crazy Things!

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One of the things we do not talk about is some of the crazy things we do and the times we do them. I am talking about waking in the middle of the night and making your way to the workshop so that you can spend a few hours sorting screws, nuts, and bolts by size and placing them in containers or that cool container you recently purchased from Home Depot.

And then there was the day you decided to empty all the clothes from your closet to categorize them, match them by color and what shirt would go with what pants. You know you’re really in trouble when you did the same thing with your shorts (you can tell from reading this that the author is from the south – well, let’s put it this way, we have now been in Florida longer than we have ever been in PA – our state of origin – so I figure we earned the right to say we are from the south).

There are also the days you sit at your computer and say you are going to write – be it the Great American Novel or a blog post or two and instead decide that you had better organize the files on your computer.

Let’s face it……….you really didn’t want to do any of the above-mentioned stuff but you did it because you were either bored or depressed. Let’s look at these two words. The first …..bored is defined as feeling weary because one is unoccupied or lacks interest in one’s current activity. The second…… depressed is defined as in a state of general unhappiness or despondency.

Now that we are retired, so that we do not become bored or depressed, we need to fill those hours we used to spend at the office, factory, or wherever we put in our eight to ten hours a day with something …preferably something of consequence. Otherwise we are going to spend our days doing ridiculous things – things like flushing a Boston Crème donut down the toilet because you were watching some exercise program on TV to wile away the hours and were told donuts were not good for you.

While it is true, many retirees get bored shortly after they retire. Truth-be-told though and in my humble opinion, that is because they haven’t figured out what to do constructively with all their new-found time (you know the time I am talking about – the time you used to spend driving to and from work including the time spent on the job). I mean why else would someone, in the middle of a hot summer day, rush outside to sit on a bench talking to the septic tank cleaner guy while he is pumping out your septic tank. It has been known to happen!

And if you are one of those individuals that listens to the radio during the day and are tuned in to a station that accepts calls to discuss various topics, chances are you call in, not that you know about what they are talking, but primarily so you can talk to another human being. Or now that we have television, many of us turn the television on first thing in the morning so that we have someone to talk to. Oh yeah, I mean where else can you provide your two cents on a subject and not have to listen to the other person tear down all your well-thought out ideas?

When you stop and think about it, when our children were still children (I am talking about when they had pets, you know before they became teenagers), little did they know about the lengthy conversations we had with their hamster and even more intelligent conversations when they graduated from hamsters to guinea pigs.

Some might say: “Get a life!” But I like to think that those of us that do these weird and strange things in the middle of the night are truly enjoying our lives now that we are retired. We probably owe our current state of happiness or bliss due to the crazy things we did when we were much younger.

After all, what was it we used to say to the new employee after he was on the job for a few days: “You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps!”  Same thing applies in retirement – be your wild and crazy self – my guess is that you will enjoy your retirement years much more than the average bear.

Now where did I lay my yo-yo!

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