Are You Ready For This!

Here I am again – that was a fast week – and to top it all off, we are heading into the last week of June. Where did the last six months go?

Do I have a particular post in mind? Nooooo, just some more humor with the hopes it will bring a smile to everyone’s face and bring your spirits up if they are down.

Did you ever think about what a kid’s instructions on life might be ….

For instance, they might just tell you to “wear a hat when feeding seagulls.”

Don’t flush the toilet when your dads in the shower.

Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes.

When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” Don’t answer him.

Never spit when on a roller coaster.

Never try to baptize a cat.

And before I move on to something else to get a smile out of you:

Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.

Okay, so I know I have a weird sense of humor but hey I’d rather be smiling and laughing than frowning and crying so I apologize ahead of time for this next joke. Perhaps it is because it is places like this that I keep worrying about – they want me, and I do my best to stay away from them. But that does not mean I do not write about them. Here goes:

The Mental Hospital

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary’s heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, “Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are being discharged. Since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you have regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.” Mary replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.”

“And I Walk Among You!”

I don’t know if there are any rednecks out there reading my dribble but if you are, here are a few tips for y’all!

If you are planning on entertaining in your house, a centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

If by chance you decide to take in a movie at your local movie theater – refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven THEY CAN’T HEAR YOU!

One more about rednecks and that is if you are driving and your car runs out of gas, when sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Okay, new subject – Product Packaging.

What is it with some of the instructions we find on various products? For instance, why would the following instructions be on a string of Chinese Made Christmas Lights:

For indoor or outdoor use only.

Here’s one for you found on tiramisu dessert:

Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

Okay, I guess it is time to bring this to a close but before I do, you guessed it – One more for the road – and I just learned this since I turned eighty –

“I don’t do drugs anymore ‘cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast!”

Enjoy your upcoming week and stay safe. Be back next week, same bat time, same bat channel!

Now where did I leave my wheels, it’s getting dark outside, and I am supposed to be home before dark.  Y’all take care now, ya hear!

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Oxymorons!

What is it with oxymorons? Why do people even use them in a sentence? At times I think of some of them when I am pondering what nonsense to post here.

For instance, what is a “silent scream?” If it is silent, how does one know you are screaming? You could just be making weird faces with your mouth.

What is meant by a lead balloon? Is it a balloon filled with lead? If a balloon filled with lead how can it even be called a balloon?

What about “going nowhere”? Isn’t it a fact that if you are going… there must be someplace you are going to? Where is nowhere?

What about the oxymoron “pretty ugly”? Isn’t it true that one can be pretty, or they can be ugly but what is ‘pretty ugly?”  Just so-so ugly!

And then there is “growing smaller”? What are they doing – shrinking?

Here is one – “only choice”. If ‘only’ there is no choice to be had.

And what is it with people taking a “working vacation?” Either you are working, or you are on vacation.

When I think of my finances, I think that either I am earning money, or I am not earning money. What is with “negative income”?  Either you have money coming in or you do not.

By now you have probably figured out that Irwin has too much time on his hands whereas I see it that I am wondering/pondering about the English language and the meanings associated with certain words and/or phrases. After all, we must spend our time doing something.

For those of you that know your English language, you know that an oxymoron is a figure of speech, usually one or two words, which seemingly cancels each other out. One could also call this contradiction a paradox (logical puzzle that seems to contradict itself).

For some writers, use of an oxymoron is merely a literary device used to describe life’s inherent struggles.  As shown above, oxymorons can also lend a sense of humor to a story or they can also be ironic and/or sarcastic in nature. But enough about oxymorons.

Seeing that it is Father’s Day, I promised myself I would do two things today – One, write a post for this blog site and two, work on my book, I had best end this and move on to the book.

But before I go – I am not done with my silliness – believe it or not I have come up with some words that don’t exist, but really should and so I thought I would share a few with you.

PEPPIER – The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be waiting around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

CARPERPETUATION – The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, bending over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

PUPKUS – The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Okay, okay, so I am not done yet! I just thought of a few

ZEN THOUGHTS:

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

And finally the one I enjoy the most:

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Hope all you fathers out there had a great Father’s Day.

Finally, for those of you out there in Never Never Land – one more ZEN Thought and this one is directed to those of you that believe in telekinesis –

Raise my Hand…

Until next time!

Your daily humor!

Hi folks:

Been a bit busy doing this and that and other normal run of the mill duties that come with maintaining our home, reading emails, watching our favorite TV shows, working on my book, yada, yada, yada!

Bottom line is time slipped away and I did not get to post something earlier in the week but here I am attempting to meet my original goal of weekly posts.

What follows is just some daily humor for you all to read and hopefully get a chuckle or two.

Women should not have children after 35. Really …35 children are enough!

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

Why is it that “No one ever says ‘It’s only a game,’ when their team is winning?”

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal?”

And finally

When I worked, I earned a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there’s was a decimal point involved.

Y’all have a good day now, ya hear!