They Are Coming to Take Me Away, Away, Away!

Ever just sit and allow your mind to wander and come up with stupid thoughts. Welcome to my world. Here is something I thought about recently – What would I do if I were wrongfully put into an insane asylum to convince them that I was sane and not just pretending to be sane?  Hmmm, must think about that one for a minute. Okay, thought about it – now where is my coffee. I cannot function with my coffee – oh, look at that, I’m sitting in my cup, no wonder I cannot find my coffee!

Let’s see, what useless information can I share with everyone this week. Oh, I know. Have you ever wondered how dollar-bill changers know if your dollar is authentic? What do I mean? Just this, you are at a vending machine, and it tells you that the machine will accept coins, and dollar bills and by that, I mean in various denominations (usually they say on the front of the machine that it will take singles, fives, tens, or even twenties). You think to yourself – now how in the world is this machine going to tell the difference between George Washington on the $1 bill; Abraham Lincoln on the $5 bill; Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill; and Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill?

Well, truth-be-told, and I read this somewhere – these bill changers have several authenticity tests. Ever wonder why you couldn’t just cut out a piece of paper the size of a bill and insert it into the machine and get yourself a free bag of Fritos? Here’s why – the first test is a light that measures the bill’s thickness as it is entering the machine. Having gotten past the first authenticity test, next comes the test to determine what denomination you have inserted. There is a reason why our currency has the words “one dollar,” “five dollars,” or whatever on them. There is another light source within the machine that checks for these very fine lines that make up the words – “one dollar,” “five dollars,” and so forth.

Yet another test that must be done is to make sure that the magnetic characteristics in the ink with which the U.S. mint prints is on the up and up. Three down – two more to go.

Where would we be without tests that confirm the tests done before the one being performed. Yup, test number four is a test to double-check the correctness of the first three tests.

Finally, and I am surprised you didn’t think of this one based on what I said earlier and that is – the fifth test is to measure the bill for the correct length.

See, now that you have all this knowledge, go insert your bill into your favorite vending machine and upon receiving your little bag of Doritos, sit back, relax, and enjoy, knowing that you now know how that vending machine works and provided you with the appropriate change.

Let’s see, what else can I dream up to write about that will cause us all to smile, laugh, and well, get in a good mood. What I came up with was something I want to share with you. But I must be truthful about it – I cannot take credit for what you are about to read, and I do not know who authored it. Hopefully though it will do what it is intended to do – make you smile or even quite possibly laugh.  As you read the list, think about what you are reading as it probably does resemble your daily activities: 

I call it: “If you can”

If you can start the day without caffeine.

If you can get going without pep pills.

If you can always be cheerful ignoring aches and pains.

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when through no fault of yours something goes wrong.

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment.

If you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him.

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend.

If you can face the world without lies and deceit.

If you can conquer tension without medical help.

If you can relax without liquor.

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

……Then you are probably the family dog!

Let’s leave the world of the vending machines and dogs and go to some ridiculous Media Mentions.  By the way, most of these are very, very, old so do not ask where I got them – I probably read them a long time ago and came across an article or two lately that referred to them.

Here is one from a Dublin radio reporter (I told you they were old):

“Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you’d better set off a few minutes earlier.”

This one was apparently seen in the Miami Herald some time back – way back – probably at least 20 years ago.

“Man shoots neighbor with machete.”

Here’s a good one from the Detroit Daily News:

“Weather forecast: Precipitation in the morning, rain in the afternoon.”

And finally, one from our own IRS – U.S. Internal Revenue Service form:

“Passive activity income does not include the following income for an activity that is not a passive activity.”

As I like to say when I read such dribble – “And they walk among us!”

Okay, how many of you remember the question I asked at the beginning of this week’s post? Well, I have thought about the answer. Here, let me refresh your memories: “What would I do if I were wrongfully put into an insane asylum to convince them that I was sane and not just pretending to be sane? “Well, I would probably say something like the following: “You know, I have a lot of people who believe in me – which sort of scares me. Why? Because I always knew I was real.

Until next time!

Time to Start Dancing Again

Yee Haw

What is it about dancing and listening to music that makes one forget all the nonsense that seems to bother us in our everyday lives? We went to a “Sock Hop” the other evening and while the music being played was music from the 50s & 60s, we got up and did a few of our line dance routines to the music being played. One of the things we do with regards our dancing is to let others know that one does not have to wait for a certain “line dance song” to be played to get up and line dance.

For instance, one of our favorites is to dance to an oldie (I mean real oldie) entitled “In the Mood”, a favorite Glenn Miller piece but the line dance we do to this music is entitled “Come Dance With Me”. We didn’t line dance to this song because (1) the DJ didn’t play it but more importantly, (2) because not having danced since March of 2020, I doubt seriously we could have made it through the entire dance. It starts out slow but for those of you that remember the song, know it picks up the beat and goes on and on and on. Baby steps, baby steps.

And away we go

However, we were able to get up and line dance to “Neon Moon” and another oldie entitled “Slappin’ Leather”. Bottom line is that we were able to remember the dance steps to a few of our old favorites. We also were able to slow dance to a couple of songs we consider our favorites (Back to the Fifties and In the Still of the Night). Age reared its head though when the Beer Barrel Polka came on. We did get to Polka but by the time the song was over, this old man needed to sit down and sit out the next two songs.

It was our first time truly socializing since we moved to our new community, and it was rather enjoyable. Both of us enjoy line dancing and it is a great way to get our daily exercise especially since it is so hot outside right now.  So, I guess we will have to practice our line dances which will be a good thing as we were finding it a bit hard to reach our daily step count each day. We can reach it when I take the time to chase Dolly around the house but being the age I am, once I catch her, I must stop and ask, “Now what was I chasing you for”?

Well, that’s about it for this week. Didn’t have any fabulous funnies to share with you although the above paragraph quite possibly brought a smile to your face. Stay safe and stay well.

Until next time!

Irony and Humor

Irony in the rain!

“The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life. And the body is born young and grows old. That is life’s tragedy.”  –  Oscar Wilde

Most of us realize that life never really goes as we think it should. On days we think it will be bad it is good and on days we think it will be good life can be bad.

Think about it for a minute. Remember back to when you went to work every day, day in and day out. You performed your duties to the best of your abilities because you knew if you performed well, hopefully you would be rewarded with that raise you had been looking for. The day of your annual review comes, and you are pleased to hear that you got the raise. You cannot wait to get home so you can tell your wife the good news. As you tell her, you notice that she is not smiling but instead is trying not to show you the letter she just finished reading. The letter that says your rent has been increased.

Or, and this thing actually happened to me. You have been trying for months to get switched from working nights at your factory to days and an opening becomes available, but you get passed over …again! So, you begin looking for another job. As luck would have it, you are able to find a daytime job, but you really do not want to leave the job you are at. So, you accept the daytime job but keep your nighttime job. At last, an opening comes available and once again you ask your boss to be switched from nights to days only to be turned down again. What do you do?  Do you quit and stay with the factory that offered you days (I mean let’s face it – 80-hour weeks can be brutal no matter how young you are). But there is another catch, and the story doesn’t end there. One of the requirements of this new job was that you had to join the union (your job where you worked nights was a non-union shop), just what you need – another expense!  But you know you cannot work 80 hour weeks for much longer and so you come up with the dues, join the union, and quit your night job. One week later you are laid off. 

Does one look at this as a comical event in life or a dreadful event? Is it laughable or ridiculous? Comic irony or an appalling situation? It then falls on you to choose between whether this was merely comic irony or an appalling situation. Life itself supplies the irony; it then falls on us to decide how we are going to deal with it. Preferably as a comical situation.

What it all boils down to is just this – we, ourselves, must try our best to see the humor in things that do not work. We all see things from a different point of view. The world is absurd, we need to step back and find the comic in the absurd. I mean, really, all we need to do is look for “crazy news” in today’s newspapers or on the boob tube. Then as we go through our day, we need to stop and see if we can find some incident that happened in which the relationship of what was intended and that which resulted created some irony. What do we do then?  Seek out the absurdity of the relationship and if you can laugh about it?

For instance, picture this scenario – you are sitting in on a meeting of an organization known as “The National Planning Association.” Just before the end of the meeting, the chairman of the meeting announces that they were not sure where their next year’s convention will be.

Or here is one about books – ever notice how many books there are in bookstores? You can find everything from mysteries, sci-fi; young adult; westerns; romance books, and so forth. Not to mention the numerous cookbooks with just about the same amount being diet books. See the irony here – one tells you how to prepare food and the other how not to eat it.

Bottom line is just this: “A little craziness once in a while prevents permanent brain damage.

Let me end this week’s post by saying:  

Sometimes I lie awake and ask myself “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me: “This is going to take more than one night!”

Until next time!

From my Perspective!

Buddies

As we get older, we, at least me, find myself reminiscing about times gone by. Some days we wake up and are raring to go doing whatever it is that – how does that saying go – “float our boat!” Other days, like the one I am experiencing as I write this post are days that well – let’s just say my “get up and go got up and went!”  It’s a fact of life! I feel certain that each of us have our own little demons inside that on occasion cause havoc within our daily lifestyle. The secret is to not let those demons get the best of us. Push them aside.  Remember the adage regarding the individual attempting to ride a horse for the first time. When falling off the horse and being ready to give up, the eternal optimist of the group would look at the fallen rider and say: “the only way to overcome your fear is to get back on the horse”.

Having said that, today it will be my resolve to post two items. The first came to me due to reminiscing about times gone by. The second – using the comical portion of my brain – is to get you thinking, and hopefully smiling. 

Hope you enjoy today’s ramblings.

As I was reminiscing about old times the word “Buddy” popped into my head.

When I think of the word buddy, I think back to my working years. If I remember correctly, I have been what one might call a loner. Never one to make what one might consider close friends – I have made two or three friends over my lifetime that I could in fact put in the category of “Buddy”.

Two such individuals come to mind – one never truly became classified in my eyes as a “buddy” although in his eyes which I only recently learned – we were supposedly good “buddies” during our high school years. We reunited at a high school class reunion several years ago but haven’t talked since so I guess we weren’t as close as thought we were.

Another friend that I would class as a buddy of mine was an individual that became my boss many years ago. We sort of hit it off from the day of my interview for a position in the company he was working. I landed the job, and he became my boss. Over the years, we kept in touch even though he subsequently left the company. He was able to land a much better position and back then, when such offers came up, one grabbed them. However, later in life, the company he was working for wanted to transfer him to another city and he preferred not to move. By this time, still being with the company he had left and my now being in a managerial position, I was able to hire him back with him becoming my subordinate. Seeing that he wasn’t gone that many years, I was also able to see that all his former benefits were reinstated.

To coin a phrase that we hear every now and then, “What goes around – comes around!” The company I was working for experienced quite a few more downsizings over the years and subsequently he was downsized but was able to secure a job with another company. While I missed being cut (downsized) for the next few downsizings eventually my number came up. Looking for a job at age 55 isn’t all that easy but as luck would have it, I too was able to secure another job. Guess where? You guessed it, due to a good word this buddy put in for me, I was able to get an interview with the firm he worked for and got hired. Sad news was that while he was able to continue working for them for several more years, nine months after I got the job, they re-organized and yup, it was me this time that was downsized… again! I could go into what happened next, but hey, that’s fodder for another story.

To me a buddy is one that is there for you no matter what the circumstances. They do not judge or look down on you or try to change you. They give advice and counsel but are still right there by your side should you decide not to take their advice and move forward with your own plans. A buddy is someone you forged a friendship with that lasts a lifetime. You would go to bat for that person at the drop of a hat and he or she would do the same for you should you need them to.

This is what comes to mind when I hear the word buddy. And believe me when I say that being a loner all my life, it sure is a good feeling knowing that at least I had one or two true buddies in my lifetime. Of course, now that I think about it, in addition to those just mentioned, I hadn’t mentioned my best buddy. Now the girl that I married… She is my best buddy!

Okay, let’s move on to something different.

Thought to ponder

A marriage should be a continuous duet, not a duel.

Joke of the day:

Two Drunk guys walk into a bar…you’d think they’d see it coming.

Quote for today

“We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world.”

Buddha

Interesting math statement

You can remember the value of Pi (3.1415926) by counting each word’s letters in “May I have a large container of coffee?

Senior moment

You remember when Dick Tracy married Tess Trueheart, and when Li’l Abner married Daisy May.

Let me end this post by saying:

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt…

Until next time!

How You Can Tell When It’s Going to be A Rotten Day!

Bad Hair Day

Well, here we are once again – how fast the week goes by. Speaking of how time flies, as you can see by the title, some days are good, and some days are – well – not so good.

So how do you handle that, well I could say something like:

“My wings are broken, my halo’s bent, and my horns are showing. Yes — it’s going to be one of those days!”

But, instead, before we go any further, let’s take a moment to see what all could make for a rotten day. Things like:

You wake up face down on the pavement

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold

You see a “60 Minutes” news team heading up your driveway

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles

Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren’t any

You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city

Your twin forgot your birthday (and yes truth be told – I am a twin)

You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don’t have a waterbed, but you do remember that you forgot to put your Depends on before going to bed

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you forgot where your Viagra is

You show up at your part-time job (retirees need added income too) and your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard

You wake up and your dentures are locked together in the cup by your bed

You walk to the park and find that your zipper is open, and a corner of your shirt tail is flapping in the breeze from you know where

You call your answering service, and they tell you it’s none of your business

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife

Your income tax check bounces

You put both contact lenses in the same eye

Your pet rock snaps at you

Your wife says, “Good morning, Jim, and your name is Roger

Let it be known that while the author of some of these items is unknown, I adjusted some and added others and it is almost a sure thing that he or she (the author) is Troubled as am I.

Before I go though, allow me to share with you yet more material that might explain how troubled I am.

If those of you my age or close were to create names of Rock and Roll bands today, they would be names such as those that follow:

The Grateful we’re not Dead! (Hmmm, reminds me of Willie Nelson’s hit – Still Not Dead but we are talking names of groups not names of songs).

Earth, Wind, and Fiber – (would someone please pass the prunes)

Fleetwood Crack (picture todays male youth walking down the street with their pants at half-mast)

And finally, keeping in mind that this one can happen to both sexes – You know – even us guys have parts of our bodies that fall.

Boobie Brothers!

I know – I know, I am sure I caused you to picture some wild scenes after hearing these titles. But the question is: Are you smiling? Yes?  Want some more?

Okay how about this:

There’s nothing whatever the matter with me. I’m just as healthy as I can be. I have arthritis in both my shoulders and when I talk, I talk with a wheeze. My pulse is weak, and my blood is thin. But I’m fine for the shape I’m in.

I think my liver is out of whack, and a terrible pain is in my back. My hearing is poor, my sight is dim. Most everything about me seems to be out of trim. But I’m fine for the shape I’m in.

I have arch supports for both my feet otherwise I wouldn’t be able to go out on the street. I spend sleepless nights night after night, and in the morning I’m out of sight. My memory is failing, my head is in a spin. I’m peacefully living on aspirin. But I’m fine for the shape I’m in.

The moral is, as this tale we unfold, that for you and me who are growing old, it’s better to say, “I’m fine” with a grin. Than to let them know the shape I am in!”

One day at a time folks, one day at a time!

Have a nice day. Until next time!

Oh My!