Wild and Crazy Guy – That’s Me!

Ah! Home!

Hi all you Word Press Bloggers out there. Hope you are enjoying this Memorial Day Weekend.

Being the wild and crazy guy I am, (just look at my house shown at the beginning of this post) I decided to look through some of my old paperwork to share some wit and witticisms with you so as to do what I enjoy doing – making you smile. What did I come up with?

Zen Thoughts:

Wild and Krazy signs we see on occasion;

Words that don’t exist but probably should;

Daily humor; and

A few of Life’s unanswered questions.  

So, sit back and I hope you enjoy what follows:

Zen thoughts

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Okay, that’s enough of Zen thinking.

Wild and Krazy signs we see on occasion. For instance:

Pizza Shop slogan: “Buy our pizza. We knead the dough.”

In the front door of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

Now what about: words that don’t exist, but really should

Words like:

Elbonics – (el bon’ iks) – The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane.

Phonesia (fu nee’zhuh) The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Frust – (frust) The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dustpan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Okay, here is some more daily humor:

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Call the psychic hotline and don’t say anything.

Specify that your drive-thru order is “to go.”

Okay I see by the clock on the wall, time is passing faster than I expected and I need to get back to the book I am trying to write. So, let me end this week’s post by posting

A few of life’s unanswered questions:

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?

That’s all I got this week folks, see you next week – same bat time, same bat channel!

Stay well, stay safe, and enjoy the balance of your weekend.

Remote Control

What does this word represent or mean?

You can fast forward and rewind your life with a remote control…but!

 Let me explain:

You are traveling on a train and have a chance encounter with a stranger, who upon overhearing a discussion you were having with your wife about how your lives turned out since accepting the job in 1968 that eventually led to your being transferred to Jacksonville Florida, offers you a “remote control.”

But this is not any “remote control!” This remote control has the ability to allow you to either fast forward or rewind your life.  What do you do?

So many thoughts are rushing through your head. You are happy with your life. But being truthful to yourself you know that there were some moments, that had you done or said things differently, your lives may have changed. Question is would those changes had been for the better or the worse?

Being the realist that he is though, the question does cross his mind and he has to ask: What is the catch?

No catch replies the stranger. But know this, should you choose to rewind back to an earlier time and choose the path not taken – your present status in life may not be the same as it is today.

To which raises the question: What if I decide to use the “fast forward” button and like what my future looks like say ten years into the future? Can I automatically jump forward to that position?

The stranger replied: That is a definite possibility, but…………keep in mind that you will be going from what you know and have experienced up to this point in your life to ten years into the future.

What is wrong with that?

The stranger responded – whatever happened during those ten years will be a complete blank.  Are you prepared to live with that – not knowing how certain things came to be?

Well, he asked the stranger: what is the point of having a “remote control” device such as this?

There is a moral to this story and I am sure when you think about it a little longer now that we have had this brief discussion you will realize what it is. And with that, the stranger proceeded to say the following:

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. – Buddha

Until next time!

Nothing Special

Just a pondering!

Did you ever wonder how to double your money real fast? Easy – fold it over once and put it in your pocket!

Ever wonder what the secret is to return from a casino with a small fortune? Easy – go there with a large one!

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still!

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Did you know that a backward poet writes in verse.

If you jumped off a bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

Retirement takes all the meaning out of weekends.

When eating fruit – think of the person who planted the tree.

Here is a question to ponder over: How old would I be if I didn’t know how old I was?

And to bring this wild and wacky post about nothing special to an end, let me just share this quote by Buddha:

Each morning

We are born again

What we do today

Matters most.

Have a great weekend

Until next time!

Feeling Bad About Not Posting

I have been negligent about posting and cannot believe it has been more than a week since I last posted. So, rather than post one of my usual long-winded posts, thought I would just share some whimsical thoughts with you to hopefully bring a smile to your faces. I’ll do better with my next post!

Question: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
Answer: A mechanic

Here is a thought – since we all have a lot on our plates these days – just think, if someone ever invented a microwave TV – we could watch a one-hour show in ten minutes!

Here’s yet another thought – look on the bright side of having shaky hands as we get older – now when we are at the grocery store and pushing the shopping cart – the wheels stop wobbling!

You know you are getting old when you attach a cord to your cordless phone because you’re tired of looking for it.

Speaking about knowing you’re getting old – you know you are really getting old when you begin to wish your rocking chair was battery operated.

You know, I used to get upset when people used to make fun of my age on my birthday but now – I just take it with a grain of salt………..a bit of lime, and a shot of tequila! Works for me.

And before I go, let me leave you all with a conundrum:

‘If we had a bill of rights that got wronged, would it be right or wrong for a judge to right that wrong?’

Have a great day.

Until next time!

Now How Much Will This Cost Me?

Did you ever stop and think, now that we are old and in the retirement scene, how many kinds of old people there are in the world?

Crazy rich people, rich people, middle class old people, and then we cannot forget the old farts like me and you. As I see it though, the main problem in not having any money, is that not too many people take us seriously.

Think about it – due to not having much money – we must do our own laundry, drive our own car, clean our own house, mow our own lawns. We are not part of that class that can send their laundry to a Chinese Laundry; expect the chauffer to be available at a moment’s notice; expect the maid to pick up after us and keep our house clean; nor show our pride in our garden and landscaping due in fact to having a gardener that keeps everything trimmed and neat.

As a result, since we do not have much money, it falls on us to do our own laundry (hopefully we are fortunate enough to have a washer and dryer within our house), drive ourselves to the grocery store, doctor’s appointments and even to the garage to have it serviced – plus there is also the washing and cleaning of the car we must attend to ourselves as well. Not having a maid to pick up after us, we must clean the house on a regular basis – you do the toilets – no, you do the toilets – and the list goes on and on.  And then there is the mowing of the lawn, trimming the bushes and so forth – yuk – I think I will pull up the grass and put in stones.

How do we avoid this – after all, we are retired now and expect to live the Life of Riley (meaning an easy and pleasant life). I am sure that many of you old-timers out there remember William Bendix and how he portrayed the role of Riley. Who can forget his famous catch line “What a revoltin’ development this is!”

After all, there are hundreds of thousands of younger people that will be coming after us and they have but one goal in mind – it is their duty to follow in our footsteps. The way they intend to do that is by getting older themselves – it is what they live for.

But being the generation that they are, one has to ask how are they going to do this?  I for one, feel that we should treat our younger generation as interns – you know similar to those working for our politicians. Do you think for one moment that politicians pay their interns? Nay – interns may work for free but they are not stupid! Their payment lies in the connections they make while interning.

What does this mean – well, we old farts have to be well connected and by being well connected, we become “intern magnets.”   In this position we can get all the free 0ld-person-in-training interns we want. After all, isn’t that what the younger generation wants – to be like us during our retirement years.  We can teach them how to do their laundry, go grocery shopping, plan doctor’s appointments, maintain the car, and yes, even how to clean the house – toilets and all.

All the above sounds good doesn’t it? I thought so too, until that is, I remembered the type of connections interns and politicians have in common – “those with money.”  Uh, oh! I bad! If you are like me, your connections are likely the same as mine – those that do not have two plug nickels to rub together. Thinking this way will find us paying for our interns and that is going on a huge assumption that we might even find one willing to work for less than Minimum Wage. Nope – that is not our end goal.     

Back to the drawing board – being a not so well-connected old fart might just merely mean that we will have to think up some hair-brained idea to raise some money for old farts like me. In the meantime, I guess I will continue cutting coupons and taking advantage of all the BOGO sales I can find. I may be getting old, but I am not stupid!

Until next time!