What to Say – What to Say?

writing

Have you ever sat down to write an article to share with your readers and come up with: “zero, zip, zilch, nada”, or in other words, a blank space and nothing to insert in it?

Well, that is the dilemma I faced when I sat down at my desk this afternoon. However, as you will soon see, my attempt to not to let that stop me, found me looking back at previous writings and I came up with something that will hopefully make you laugh, smile, or even say – uh, oh: “Irwin has finally lost it!”

But, what can I say – I am determined to write even if it is jibberish – so be it! Chances are you will get a kick out of it and if so – well, my job for today is done and I can get back to wondering what I will write tomorrow. So here goes:

I love to play with words and see what I can do with them to make others laugh, smile, or at least get a chuckle out of my nonsense. So here are a few words along with a “different” definition than what you would expect.  I can only hope that after reading them you will get a laugh or two out of my zaniness. Enjoy!

Rectum – nearly killed ‘em

Remind – a brain transplant

Sonogram – a telegram from your son

Stagnation – a country of single men

Sweet 16 – just down the hall from suite 14

Oxymoron – as dumb as an ox

Polite – a lamp on a pole

Now that you are all as smart as I am, I guess I will go on to writing more jibberish as I need to come up with yet another post for a different website I post to. And then there is the quest of meeting my daily quota of writing 200 words as day with the intent on publishing another Kindle eBook sometime in the near future.  Wish me luck!

Have a fantastic day. Until next time!

 

Advertisements

Weekends

It is time for my weekly contribution to Word Press and I decided to share with you an article I wrote for our community newsletter. Hope you enjoy it!

What is it About Weekends?

Why is it that about seven o’clock every Friday night our world – as we know it – falls apart.

Think about that statement for a moment. Usually around seven or eight p.m. there is one tooth in our mouth that decides to send a message by causing thumping pains in your jaw saying: “I told you to see your dentist about me – but noooo – you thought it would be OK and now here it is eight p.m. and the dentist’s office is closed. Guess what? I am going to bother you all weekend now!” Oh, and come Monday morning the pain goes away and your mouth feels perfectly healthy once again.

old-doctor-dentist-signs-1510321

Later in the evening (still Friday) you sit down to watch your favorite television show and yup – you seen this one coming – didn’t you – the TV cable goes out. Now you must spend more of your valuable weekend time on the telephone and chances are you will either listen to a recording or you will be unable to understand the person at the other end of the phone because they are in some foreign country and not even your seven-year old could understand what it is they are trying to tell you.  Or ………there is one last option – you know – the other great response they provide you with – the response telling you to call back Monday during their weekday office hours.

Another Friday night scene is that someone in the house will come down with some mysterious malady – remember the movie “Saturday Night Fever” – well seeing that it is the beginning of the weekend – let’s nickname it “Friday Night Fever.” You know what I am talking about. It is when your temperature is not high enough for the emergency room but not normal enough for you to ignore. The number is just enough to make you think if you don’t act, you will suffer this way for the balance of your life which you are thinking could be a matter of hours.

We all know that while it is true, there are quite a few weekend services available to people – services that may cost you an arm and a leg – or if we were much younger – your first-born child, it is amazing how some things sense when you can be brought to your knees – times that we are most vulnerable.

Take bill paying for instance – some people like to pay with cash while others use checks to pay their bills. Being a check-writing person, when would I run out of checks – Friday night! Here is another thought – when we didn’t travel as we do today, we used to own a dog. Speaking from experience though, while our dog didn’t get lost often, when it did get lost – you got it – it was between Friday evening and Sunday – you know – the time when the word “Help” falls on deaf ears. If the refrigerator/freezer breaks down – when will it be – you got it, Friday evening just before you are ready to go to bed. And I might add it will probably be immediately after you filled it up with food for that upcoming party you were planning.

Oh, and here is another biggie that can occur at any age – it is Friday evening around ten p.m. and you go to take your prescription drug – you know the one I mean – the pill that keeps your blood pressure under control. Yup, you got it – you are out of that prescription medicine and upon reading the bottle, you seen that the last time you filled the prescription was the last time it could be done without your doctor’s OK.  Isn’t that always the way? You never needed a doctor’s OK on any other day except Saturday and Sunday. Is that your blood pressure I see rising?

medical-prescription-1539455

Let us talk for a moment about those wonderful inventions – the automobile. You know, those marvelous machines built back in the late 1800’s. Some might consider them lifeless hunks of metal that have no brains and are incapable of thinking. Not true… they know that during the week, they get used very little and given the chance – now that it is the weekend – you are going to drive the devil out of them. So, what do they do? They refuse to start just when you are ready to go flea-marketing Saturday morning. 

Another weekend nightmare is the house. Why does our house decide it needs to call it quits on the weekend? You know what I am talking about – first thing is that the toilet overflows – then the dishwasher decides to stop working in the middle of the cycle – you go to get the laundry out of the washer and notice that the water never drained completely out of the machine so you must wring it all out by hand and when you place it in the dryer – yup – you got it – the dryer doesn’t start. But, you are not done being surprised. If all that wasn’t enough, it is late and you say to yourself – a nice relaxing bath might just soothe your aching body and calm your mind. You go to the bathroom – turn on the spigot – what do you get? Just a trickle! No water pressure, nothing, fini, fertig! By now you are saying “Why me?”

bathtub

Remember the good old days when we used to chant “Thank God It’s Friday” well those of us now retired live in fear of those TGIF days every day of the week because when retired, any day can be a Saturday or a Sunday when all the things we depend on decide to break down, quit, or say ‘adios amigo’.

Knowing how much we love to travel and be away from our humble abode, I can truthfully only think of one saying that is befitting of all that I have just described. I refer you to the catchphrase from the 1991 film Terminator 2: Judgment Day, where the Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) says to John Connor (Edward Furlong): “Hasta la vista, baby.”

Time to saddle up the horses and mosey on down the road. Tomorrow is another day – baby steps – one day at a time.

horses-at-the-hitching-post-1630695

Until next time!

A Day Late and A Dollar Short!

Day Late

 

 

 

the-almighty-dollar-1239259

Here I am again late with my weekly post. Made me think of the idiom shown as the caption of this piece: A Day Late and A Dollar Short – or in other words:

Action that was taken too late and is too feeble to be of any use! Well, so much for that definition – I am not so sure that my post is too feeble to be of any use. The fact that I am posting something within eight days of my last posting has got to be worth something (I am going to get on a weekly schedule sooner or later – perseverance is the key and I will overcome my tardiness).

Last month we decided to become the reverse of snow birds. Snow birds, if you will recall, are individuals with homes up north who come to the south for the winter. We are going to be North birds – our home is in the south, but we will be coming north for the summer.

It was a good weekend because I got to spend it with my kid brothers, sisters, nephews and a cousin we hadn’t seen in a while. Now that I am getting older, I always feel so much better when I get the chance to spend some time with relatives. One thing I must say – catching up with their latest happenings, humbles you as it makes one realize how good we have it. Some of the things they have been through within the last year is a reminder that things aren’t always greener on the other side of the fence, and the fact we aren’t getting any younger doesn’t help either.

Another nice part about this adventure we recently embarked upon – is that we will now be able to see everyone more often cause instead of being 1100 miles away we are less than 150 miles away even if it is only for four or five months out of the year.  The change of scenery and social activity may be good for our souls as well.

Well, that sums up this post – let’s see if I can prepare for my next post in less than one week.

Until next time!

How to Plan for a Good Retirement

retirement

Having been retired now for 20 plus years, reading articles about how to prepare for retirement (other than the usual financial aspect of retirement) often amuse me.

Most of us go through life concentrating on our jobs, family, day-to-day projects that come up whether good or bad, planned or unplanned. By the end of the day, the only thing on our mind tends to be – an hour or two of relaxation before retiring for the evening knowing we will be doing it all over again tomorrow.

While I do not dispute what is being said in these retirement articles, I must admit, due in part to the way my retirement came about – none of the things that I supposedly should have considered ahead of time came to mind, leastways not in a “pre-planned retirement sort of way.”

For instance, one thing we all should think about prior to retiring is deciding where we want to retire to. In our situation, first thought – due to being unemployed/retired was where to move because the house as well as the size of the mortgage payment was okay if we wanted to stay there and be “house poor” (meaning we would not be able to travel or do much else as all our funds would be spent maintaining our house). As a result, we decided to take the same approach as my company did – down-size. We purchased something smaller and less expensive so that we could do more than just live in our house. By down-sizing ourselves we have been able to enjoy our retirement as well as do some of the things we wanted to do in retirement.

Another thing people refer to when discussing retirement is that they should put together a “Bucket List” – you know – a list of those things you want to do before leaving this earth. This one has me stumped – mainly because I guess I am too simple a type of guy. For the life of me, I cannot think of one thing I must do before I die and so I do not have a “Bucket List” of sorts.

Another biggie on most pre-retirement lists is: Continue being sociable. This is one activity I would not have included when preparing for retirement but I must admit we are more sociable now that we are retired than we ever were in all our married lives even when my wife was President of the PTA and I was President of the Dad’s Club back in Jacksonville, Florida.

I would be remiss not to mention exercise as s pre-retirement thought. Why, because one cannot be active during his or her working life and then just sit around eating donuts and drinking coffee once we are no longer working. In our case, while we remained active once retired, eight years into retirement, line dancing entered our lifestyle and to this day our exercise is done in the form of line dancing both teaching and doing. By the way, there is a completely different story that could be told regarding how line dancing came into our lives – but that is for another day.

Both of us are quite wary of how one’s health changes as we age and so we eat appropriately, paying attention to what is good and what is not good for both of us. But that is not to say that we will not have the occasional donut (Saturday mornings you will usually find us socializing with friends within our community eating donuts and drinking coffee. Besides we would not want to avoid our social responsibilities – now would we?

Another item on the pre-retiree list of things to do once retired is learning new things. Learn a foreign language, begin painting or some other hobby that used to excite you but took a back seat to your family and career, become involved with puzzles or some other activity to engage your brain. We need to keep both the body and brain active if we are going to live in retirement as many years as we were employed.

Other lists I’ve read talk about volunteering and getting a part-time job. While I cannot speak to the volunteering activity – I can discuss part-time jobs. Shortly after we retired we needed additional income to cover that span of time between our retirement date and the date Social Security payments kicked in. We went to a job fair held by Busch Gardens and through some great negotiating, landed a job for both of us with scheduling to match – meaning we worked the same hours and the same days – the only catch was that we could not work in the same shop. It was a great three years and we learned new skills – how to operate a cash register.

There you have it – bottom line – whether you plan for retirement or do some fancy finagling should it sneak up on you when you least expect it – putting your heads together and taking into considering some of the topics just mentioned – you will be in for a great adventure. Hope you enjoy it as much as we have.

Until next time!