Ever just sit and allow your mind to wander and come up with stupid thoughts. Welcome to my world. Here is something I thought about recently – What would I do if I were wrongfully put into an insane asylum to convince them that I was sane and not just pretending to be sane?  Hmmm, must think about that one for a minute. Okay, thought about it – now where is my coffee. I cannot function with my coffee – oh, look at that, I’m sitting in my cup, no wonder I cannot find my coffee!

Let’s see, what useless information can I share with everyone this week. Oh, I know. Have you ever wondered how dollar-bill changers know if your dollar is authentic? What do I mean? Just this, you are at a vending machine, and it tells you that the machine will accept coins, and dollar bills and by that, I mean in various denominations (usually they say on the front of the machine that it will take singles, fives, tens, or even twenties). You think to yourself – now how in the world is this machine going to tell the difference between George Washington on the $1 bill; Abraham Lincoln on the $5 bill; Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill; and Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill?

Well, truth-be-told, and I read this somewhere – these bill changers have several authenticity tests. Ever wonder why you couldn’t just cut out a piece of paper the size of a bill and insert it into the machine and get yourself a free bag of Fritos? Here’s why – the first test is a light that measures the bill’s thickness as it is entering the machine. Having gotten past the first authenticity test, next comes the test to determine what denomination you have inserted. There is a reason why our currency has the words “one dollar,” “five dollars,” or whatever on them. There is another light source within the machine that checks for these very fine lines that make up the words – “one dollar,” “five dollars,” and so forth.

Yet another test that must be done is to make sure that the magnetic characteristics in the ink with which the U.S. mint prints is on the up and up. Three down – two more to go.

Where would we be without tests that confirm the tests done before the one being performed. Yup, test number four is a test to double-check the correctness of the first three tests.

Finally, and I am surprised you didn’t think of this one based on what I said earlier and that is – the fifth test is to measure the bill for the correct length.

See, now that you have all this knowledge, go insert your bill into your favorite vending machine and upon receiving your little bag of Doritos, sit back, relax, and enjoy, knowing that you now know how that vending machine works and provided you with the appropriate change.

Let’s see, what else can I dream up to write about that will cause us all to smile, laugh, and well, get in a good mood. What I came up with was something I want to share with you. But I must be truthful about it – I cannot take credit for what you are about to read, and I do not know who authored it. Hopefully though it will do what it is intended to do – make you smile or even quite possibly laugh.  As you read the list, think about what you are reading as it probably does resemble your daily activities: 

I call it: “If you can”

If you can start the day without caffeine.

If you can get going without pep pills.

If you can always be cheerful ignoring aches and pains.

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when through no fault of yours something goes wrong.

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment.

If you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him.

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend.

If you can face the world without lies and deceit.

If you can conquer tension without medical help.

If you can relax without liquor.

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

……Then you are probably the family dog!

Let’s leave the world of the vending machines and dogs and go to some ridiculous Media Mentions.  By the way, most of these are very, very, old so do not ask where I got them – I probably read them a long time ago and came across an article or two lately that referred to them.

Here is one from a Dublin radio reporter (I told you they were old):

“Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you’d better set off a few minutes earlier.”

This one was apparently seen in the Miami Herald some time back – way back – probably at least 20 years ago.

“Man shoots neighbor with machete.”

Here’s a good one from the Detroit Daily News:

“Weather forecast: Precipitation in the morning, rain in the afternoon.”

And finally, one from our own IRS – U.S. Internal Revenue Service form:

“Passive activity income does not include the following income for an activity that is not a passive activity.”

As I like to say when I read such dribble – “And they walk among us!”

Okay, how many of you remember the question I asked at the beginning of this week’s post? Well, I have thought about the answer. Here, let me refresh your memories: “What would I do if I were wrongfully put into an insane asylum to convince them that I was sane and not just pretending to be sane? “Well, I would probably say something like the following: “You know, I have a lot of people who believe in me – which sort of scares me. Why? Because I always knew I was real.

Until next time!

2 thoughts on “They Are Coming to Take Me Away, Away, Away!

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