Oxymorons!

What is it with oxymorons? Why do people even use them in a sentence? At times I think of some of them when I am pondering what nonsense to post here.

For instance, what is a “silent scream?” If it is silent, how does one know you are screaming? You could just be making weird faces with your mouth.

What is meant by a lead balloon? Is it a balloon filled with lead? If a balloon filled with lead how can it even be called a balloon?

What about “going nowhere”? Isn’t it a fact that if you are going… there must be someplace you are going to? Where is nowhere?

What about the oxymoron “pretty ugly”? Isn’t it true that one can be pretty, or they can be ugly but what is ‘pretty ugly?”  Just so-so ugly!

And then there is “growing smaller”? What are they doing – shrinking?

Here is one – “only choice”. If ‘only’ there is no choice to be had.

And what is it with people taking a “working vacation?” Either you are working, or you are on vacation.

When I think of my finances, I think that either I am earning money, or I am not earning money. What is with “negative income”?  Either you have money coming in or you do not.

By now you have probably figured out that Irwin has too much time on his hands whereas I see it that I am wondering/pondering about the English language and the meanings associated with certain words and/or phrases. After all, we must spend our time doing something.

For those of you that know your English language, you know that an oxymoron is a figure of speech, usually one or two words, which seemingly cancels each other out. One could also call this contradiction a paradox (logical puzzle that seems to contradict itself).

For some writers, use of an oxymoron is merely a literary device used to describe life’s inherent struggles.  As shown above, oxymorons can also lend a sense of humor to a story or they can also be ironic and/or sarcastic in nature. But enough about oxymorons.

Seeing that it is Father’s Day, I promised myself I would do two things today – One, write a post for this blog site and two, work on my book, I had best end this and move on to the book.

But before I go – I am not done with my silliness – believe it or not I have come up with some words that don’t exist, but really should and so I thought I would share a few with you.

PEPPIER – The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be waiting around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

CARPERPETUATION – The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, bending over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

PUPKUS – The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Okay, okay, so I am not done yet! I just thought of a few

ZEN THOUGHTS:

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

And finally the one I enjoy the most:

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Hope all you fathers out there had a great Father’s Day.

Finally, for those of you out there in Never Never Land – one more ZEN Thought and this one is directed to those of you that believe in telekinesis –

Raise my Hand…

Until next time!

Your daily humor!

Hi folks:

Been a bit busy doing this and that and other normal run of the mill duties that come with maintaining our home, reading emails, watching our favorite TV shows, working on my book, yada, yada, yada!

Bottom line is time slipped away and I did not get to post something earlier in the week but here I am attempting to meet my original goal of weekly posts.

What follows is just some daily humor for you all to read and hopefully get a chuckle or two.

Women should not have children after 35. Really …35 children are enough!

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

Why is it that “No one ever says ‘It’s only a game,’ when their team is winning?”

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal?”

And finally

When I worked, I earned a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there’s was a decimal point involved.

Y’all have a good day now, ya hear!

Wild and Crazy Guy – That’s Me!

Ah! Home!

Hi all you Word Press Bloggers out there. Hope you are enjoying this Memorial Day Weekend.

Being the wild and crazy guy I am, (just look at my house shown at the beginning of this post) I decided to look through some of my old paperwork to share some wit and witticisms with you so as to do what I enjoy doing – making you smile. What did I come up with?

Zen Thoughts:

Wild and Krazy signs we see on occasion;

Words that don’t exist but probably should;

Daily humor; and

A few of Life’s unanswered questions.  

So, sit back and I hope you enjoy what follows:

Zen thoughts

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Okay, that’s enough of Zen thinking.

Wild and Krazy signs we see on occasion. For instance:

Pizza Shop slogan: “Buy our pizza. We knead the dough.”

In the front door of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

Now what about: words that don’t exist, but really should…

Words like:

Elbonics – (el bon’ iks) – The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane.

Phonesia (fu nee’zhuh) The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Frust – (frust) The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dustpan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Okay, here is some more daily humor:

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Call the psychic hotline and don’t say anything.

Specify that your drive-thru order is “to go.”

Okay I see by the clock on the wall, time is passing faster than I expected and I need to get back to the book I am trying to write. So, let me end this week’s post by posting

A few of life’s unanswered questions:

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?

That’s all I got this week folks, see you next week – same bat time, same bat channel!

Stay well, stay safe, and enjoy the balance of your weekend.

Remote Control

What does this word represent or mean?

You can fast forward and rewind your life with a remote control…but!

 Let me explain:

You are traveling on a train and have a chance encounter with a stranger, who upon overhearing a discussion you were having with your wife about how your lives turned out since accepting the job in 1968 that eventually led to your being transferred to Jacksonville Florida, offers you a “remote control.”

But this is not any “remote control!” This remote control has the ability to allow you to either fast forward or rewind your life.  What do you do?

So many thoughts are rushing through your head. You are happy with your life. But being truthful to yourself you know that there were some moments, that had you done or said things differently, your lives may have changed. Question is would those changes had been for the better or the worse?

Being the realist that he is though, the question does cross his mind and he has to ask: What is the catch?

No catch replies the stranger. But know this, should you choose to rewind back to an earlier time and choose the path not taken – your present status in life may not be the same as it is today.

To which raises the question: What if I decide to use the “fast forward” button and like what my future looks like say ten years into the future? Can I automatically jump forward to that position?

The stranger replied: That is a definite possibility, but…………keep in mind that you will be going from what you know and have experienced up to this point in your life to ten years into the future.

What is wrong with that?

The stranger responded – whatever happened during those ten years will be a complete blank.  Are you prepared to live with that – not knowing how certain things came to be?

Well, he asked the stranger: what is the point of having a “remote control” device such as this?

There is a moral to this story and I am sure when you think about it a little longer now that we have had this brief discussion you will realize what it is. And with that, the stranger proceeded to say the following:

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. – Buddha

Until next time!

Makes sense to me! 2+2+2=7

Did you ever wake up in the morning and have that little guy in your head start blasting you with guilty feelings over something you were supposed to do but didn’t. Well, that guy has been bugging me for days now – and for what – Okay, so I missed my weekly deadline for posting something here on my blog site. Geez! What can I say – I do have a life you know (not really but I like to think so).

Well, in looking over my last post I see it has been eleven or if we count tomorrow twelve days since I posted last. Well, shame on me. What to do – what to do? At the present it is 9:23 PM and seeing that my beautiful wife has already retired for the evening, rather than read which is what I have been trying to make a bedtime habit, I decided that I owe it to myself to at least attempt to “get back on the horse” and write something. And being the whimsical guy I am, naturally it will have to be something either wild and crazy or something that hopefully will elicit a smile and a laugh from those of you that take the time out of your busy schedules to follow my dribble.

What follows are a few jokes that I came across in my attempt to come up with ideas regarding what to write about. Hope you enjoy them.

Guilty and Depressed

Sherri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “It’s gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I feel guilty and depressed for a week afterwards.” “I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.” “NO!!!” exclaimed the nurse. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward.”

Express Mail

An old woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service. “There is no hurry,” she told the clerk, “just so the package is delivered in my lifetime.” He glanced at her and said, “That will be $3.95, please.”

Okay, one more –

Makes sense to me! 2+2+2=7

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: No, listen carefully…If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher” Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2. how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?

A very angry Johnny: Because I’ve already got a fricking cat!!!!

Ta Da!

Hope you all enjoyed this post. Until next week!