On a rant and rave this morning as I try to determine once again what to write about that hopefully will bring a smile to your face and perhaps even cause you to chuckle a bit out loud. That’s me – always looking for ways to take our minds off, are you ready for this – the “Garbage” that is happening in the world today. So with that, let’s take a look at – the world of garbage. Yes, I said garbage.

Garbage: As defined via Google – garbage can either be food waste or discarded or useless material. 

Some might say that anyone can make garbage, but I say: “Nay, not true!” We are not talking about the usual garbage one thinks about. Some might say that garbage can come from a microwave – you know – like our instant meals are made of. Garbage that is frozen in its own self-serve package that all we do is add water and pop it in the microwave for three minutes. Forget that it is in the microwave and only supposed to be in there for three minutes and seven minutes later it is – you guessed it – garbage.

I am talking about the type of garbage most American families are famous for. The type of garbage that takes at least a full week to qualify as garbage. Now, being a guy, I have my own definition of what garbage is. Our wives prepare food for us, serve us, we eat what it is we want until we are full and then assume that our wives take what some would call leftovers straight from the table (our plate) and dump it in the can, hence becoming garbage.

Not true – garbage if made right – takes seven days. Yup, you got that right – one full week. What follows is the life of several tablespoons of leftover broccoli and say a leftover piece of chicken the size of a playing card.

Day 1: Your wife – joyful that you left something on your plate – happily scrapes the broccoli and chicken from your plate into a smaller microwavable dish as she imagines herself melting some cheese over it for a mid-afternoon snack later in the week while you are out playing cards with your buddies. She may even remind everyone whenever asked about the container holding the broccoli and chicken: “Don’t touch this as I am saving it for later in the week when I make us some chicken soup even though she knows down deep in her heart that afternoon snack mentioned earlier is what she is truly thinking of.”

Day 2: Usually, so that they do not get forgotten, these leftovers are placed on a shelf close to the front of the refrigerator so that they can be seen immediately once the refrigerator door is opened which is several times a day. In many cases, inquiring minds tend to reach for these containers to take a peek inside to see what is there, only to be reminded by the wife who happens to be entering the kitchen every time the refrigerator door is opened: “Don’t touch that as I am saving that for chicken soup.”

Day 3: Typical of things that do not immediately stand out when the refrigerator is opened (like peanut butter and jelly), these leftovers slowly get moved to the back of the shelf thus taking up a less prominent space on the shelf. Being truthful though, these leftovers still get the occasional glance by the wife so as to remind herself that she was intending to make chicken soup – ‘hint-hint’ with them.

Day 4: Distressing as it might be day 4 becomes a turning point in the life of what is to become known as future garbage. It is on this fourth day that either on purpose or absent-mindedly this chicken and broccoli is shoved way to the back of the refrigerator on a shelf that also houses some sliced pineapple that is beginning to smell like fermented pineapple wine.

Day 5: Usually on this 5th day, inquisitive minds become enchanted with what is in this container in the back of the refrigerator as it apparently has not been opened lately and one wouldn’t want to miss out on something mainly because no one took a chance to see what it is. But having opened the container and getting a brief glimpse not to mention a whiff of the contents, it is decided that since the contents were recognizable (weren’t they the contents being saved for chicken soup?) the container should be closed and continue to take up residence in the rear of the refrigerator thus allowing the contents of the container to ripen at least another day.

Day 6:  Ah, Day 6, the day everyone is wondering at what stage the leftovers are at. Do we see signs of mold including the fuzzy green or white spots? There are times when the mold is actually growing on food but the roots can be hard to see. So, the question now becomes: Has our broccoli and chicken curdled to the stage where both items turn green, hard and grow fuzz?

Day 7: The crucial day has arrived when the wife removes the leftovers from the refrigerator, opens the lids to the containers, takes a quick peek inside and announces loud and clear: “The broccoli and chicken are officially dead. Let us have a moment of silence!”

By the way, just as an aside here, research would indicate that there is no other country that has such a ritual for preparing their garbage for burial the way we do. In addition to the daily events as mentioned above, the following actions will conclude the ritual.

Once Day 7 has arrived, we must take some newspaper, lay it out on the kitchen table, empty the contents of the dishes onto the newspaper, wrap it carefully and then place it in a brown paper bag (which is why some housewives save the take out bags from Burger King), then place the brown paper bag into a plastic bag (have to keep that smell contained), and then and only then does this garbage find its way to its final resting place, the trash can, before being picked up by the Trash people on whatever day of the week garbage is picked up.  

Comedian Henny Youngman had a different idea as to how we should dispose of our garbage years ago when he lamented:

“Gift wrap it and place it into an unlocked car.”

Having said that, aren’t you glad Christmas has come and gone? Who knows what surprise you may have been in for upon getting into your car which you may have accidentally left unlocked before retiring for the evening?

Hope this brought a smile to your face and quite possibly a chuckle or two.

Until next time!

5 thoughts on “Garbage

  1. Growing up, our fridge was always chock full of leftovers waaaayyyyy past their due date. My mom had trouble parting with food since she grew up poor and hungry. She still struggles with this today. Seeing all of the ‘garbage’, I vowed not to keep our fridge the same way and generally we are pretty good about parting with things. But I certainly understand the ‘desire’ to keep something just in case.

  2. Our lifestyles are vastly different and getting a peep into yours made my day, or should I say evening. Our garbage is segregated into three different bins for disposal every alternate day. The garbage collectors can be very rude if any mistakes are made in the contents of the bags in the bins!

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