“I didn’t do it!”

As we know, most animals, including our best friend – the dog – are vegetarian. As a result, after they have eaten, their poop forms what are known as fecal balls. I am sure you have watched your pet poop more times than you care to mention and would agree, that many times their poop forms what one might call fecal balls. Think of a Zen garden – you know what I am talking about. These lovable furry creatures of ours poop out these fecal balls that gently cascade out of their butts like they would in a zen pebble garden fountain. I know, this isn’t always the way. There are times that they occasionally get sick, and like us, get diarrhea, etc. which does stain their fur and irritate their butt. True – not fun for either them or us. 

But not all animals are vegetarians, if they aren’t vegetarians, they are considered carnivores. How does this make a difference? Well, let us just say that carnivore poop is many magnitudes grosser than vegetarian poop. Think of your childhood bunnies. Their poop came out like little raisinets and wasn’t that hard to clean up after. But, thinking of your furry tabby cat – well, let’s just say that “tabby” can clear the room just by dropping a single solidary turd. Thinking about carnivores and their diet, they don’t need all the roughage we eat because if you think about it, they get some of their roughage by eating the fur and sinew of its prey not to mention all the fur they ingest with their own grooming habits.

We humans are omnivorous, eating just about whatever is placed in front of us today. Some of us are better about eating roughage, vegetables, etc., than others. But what possibly comes from eating high  protein and high carbohydrates? Quite possibly we will eventually experience what are known as the   Jackson Pollock shits (the phrase refers to the way in which Jackson Pollock painted – just splattering paint everywhere – our letting loose would be like splattering the toilet bowl with poop or diarrhea.

Let’s think about our anatomy for a minute – we are considered bipedal meaning we have well developed gluteal muscles that actually infringe on the anal playing field. I am not a hockey player but let’s just say that it would be like playing field hockey in a back alley. What this means is that you will be able to do it but you are going to hit the walls a lot with the puck. Quadrupeds have a different muscle orientation. Their muscle mass is to the side (versus directly behind). How do we bypass this anatomic hurdle? By doing what is considered to be a deep squat. What this does is bring our gluteals to the lateral thus clearing the airfield ……..Bombs away! Think about it for a moment.

How many of us sit on our toilet looking at our smart phone while laughing at some comedy via Facebook while trying to do our duty. Problem? Yup – our butt cheeks are squeezed together and well – here comes Jackson Pollock again – we end up painting the walls. With the block almost being opened up we find ourselves trying to eject that final turd with magnum cannon force. And we are doing so while reflexively clenching our puckerino. What does that mean? Well, remember when you were a kid and you wanted to spray your sister when she was trying to look cool while sunbathing with her friends? What do you do – you take the garden hose, put your thumb over the head of the hose and spray her! Got the picture?

Moral of the story – eat your veggies so that should you ever get a flair in your derriere you can cop a proper squat and relax the cracks.

2 thoughts on “Poop Talk!

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